We found the bees!

They were on vacation.

DTR

And I assumed that Pithy Conjecture was dead - I guess that is impossible.

Anyway - Thought some of you might enjoy this. As it turns out, you can't trust a crack dealer.

That is all - Good Day
DS

CNN needs a headline editor

Victim uses Facebook to finger suspect

....think clean thoughts....think clean thoughts....

AK

Debunking the hype

I'm still on a global warming rant.

And I figure I should share with the SPC community.

DTR

A study in relative truth - Part II

More headlines:

Internet 'killing cinema', says director Scott

and

Hollywood breaks summer box office records

...head...exploding...

DTR

A study in relative truth

The headline says "Study: 2.4 million kids have ADHD."

The headline should have said "SPC Study: 2.35 million parents have no patience."

DTR

Holy environmental conspiracy, Al Gore!

More linkage to serve my neo-libertarian agenda, pinkos:

Fewer than half of scientists endorse a man-made global warming theory. Where's your scientific consensus now, comrades?

So, buy your carbon credits, drive your Prius, pay homage to Rev. Gore. But don't tell me to do the same.

...

That felt good.

DTR

Oh, that's where they were...

Iraq WMDs. Found.

In the United Nations.

Just thought you should know.

DTR

...I'm literally speechless...

Oh. My. God.

AK

America's Got...Too Much Spare Time

"America's Got Talent" and "Britain's Got Talent" are produced by the same people, feature that insufferable ass Simon Cowell as a judge, and are utterly unwatchable. For comparison's sake, they are basically the same show, the only difference being their location--and therefore, body of participants.

So let's see if you can spot the difference between this year's winners. We'll start with Britain: http://youtube.com/watch?v=9oxTy7KIAaA

Now America: http://youtube.com/watch?v=XLmlOm85EYA

For those of you on dialup, I'll summarize the videos. Paul Potts, the winner of Britain's Got Talent, performs Nessun Dorma, the tenor aria from Turandot made famous by Pavorrotti. It isn't quite as good as Pavorrotti, and I can't help being slightly disgusted by his teeth (he is British, after all), but it's a performance that wouldn't be too out of place at the Met. He sings with tangible emotion, bringing the entire crowd to their feet, renders Simon practically speechless, and gives the female judge what appears to be a...well, you'll have to look for yourself (1 minute 56 seconds in).

The winner of America's Got Talent is a ventriloquist. His act involves a shit-ass turtle puppet, and he performs a halfway-decent impersonation of Kermit the Frog singing "Rainbow Connection." Sure, he's a good ventriloquist, but he is the master of an art form that usually resides somewhere between mime and dinner theatre in terms of artistic merit. Oh, and the other judges on this show are Sharon Osborn and David Hasselhoff--one can almost taste the mediocrity.

C'mon America--we need to step it up. If we don't, we'll quickly become a culturally devoid shell of our former self. At least we'll fit in with Canada.

AK

Conjecture from Canada Part 1

Greetings/Bonjour,

So here I am in St. Andrews, New Brunswick, Canada for a two-week theory and composition immersion. Having been here only a few days, I have already noticed a few key differences between America and our neighbor to the north. They are as follows:

1. People are nice
-My first day here, we were touring the town, and I noticed that the locals were behaving in a strange way. If an old person was going toward a door, someone would hold it open. If there was a mother pushing a stroller down the sidewalk, people got out of her way. All the cars actually obey traffic signals, and universally gave pedestrians the right of way. The minimum-wage workers in every store were genuinely pleasant. And here's the kicker--outside of one store, there were two metal bowls filled with water, with a sign that read: "Is your pet thirsty? Here's a drink on us."

Mindblowing. I thought decent human beings went the way of the dodo sometime around Eisenhower. Who knew they just migrated?

2. But you have to pay for it
-Holy balls, things are expensive here. I've eaten in a restaurant twice, and each time it cost me about $15. There are no fast-food places, so I've been forced to shop for and prepare my own food as not to go broke (though the prices at the grocery store were slightly more reasonable). Yesterday I stopped at one of the five--yes, I counted--five ice cream shops in town, and I got an authentic chocolate gelato. The cup was about the size of a Dixie cup, maybe two ounces. Price? $3! As my dad would say, for that much it should come with oral sex.

3. No minorities
-At least no native minorities. I haven't seen a single person native who wasn't white, or for that matter, who wasn't of Irish or Dutch descent. So far I've only spotted a family of Asian tourists (so many cameras...), two Brits at the grocery store, and one black guy--Professor Stafford.

4. My cell phone hates Canada
-I had assumed it would stop working once I got here, but I could never have expected the various shenanigans it would inevitably pull. Even though we are literally half a mile from Maine (we could swim there if the water weren't 40 degrees), the phone is on permanent roam. However, it also randomly changes time zones, from the correct Atlantic into Eastern. This has led to my wake-up alarm going off at several times during the day. Also, I got a text message two hours after it had been sent, and it was in French. My voicemail also speaks French now.

Well, that's all I have for now. Look for parts 2 and 3 if I get bored enough. Au revoir!

AK

Do you have a flag?

Things in the world are really starting to hit the fan. Gays are wanting to marry, Mexicans are wanting to relocate, vegans aren't having sex with the carnivores, and the damn Russians are running all of the place claiming land by erecting flags. What are we law abiding white Americans going to do...besides sitting on our lazy asses and pretend like we run the world?

Hell if I know.

Anyway, the Canadians think that the Russians are stupid for claiming land with flags, but that's okay.I think the Canadians are stupid for...well...being Canadian. Besides, the flag hoisting is an important part of land claiming. Click here to see what the future British Prime Minister has to say about it.

If I had it my way, that's how we would score chicks (or dicks). Just run up to her (or him) and just stick a flag in their forehead. That's what other people are starting to do anyway. Take good 'ol Texan Terror for example:




Good job ya bastard...Daddy must be proud.

That is all. Good bye.
DS

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Mad Science!!!

Now we know the mad science that dictates the Cheney Craziness (it may even explain why he shoots people...in the face). Click here.



That is all. Goodbye.
DS

IDK, My BFF Bush?

Okay, I realize that everybody thinks they're going insane from time to time. I can't be the only one. I think we've all had days when we stared at a single word--like "bland" or "each"-- for ten minutes, because they just don't look right. Or maybe when you'll look around the house for a few hours for an item that was in your left pocket--or worse, in your hand-- the entire time. Ever thrown away your car keys and walked out the door with a banana peel?

Well, I have. So I figured maybe it was just me when I came across a headline on CNN.com a few hours ago. Immediately afterwards, I stood up and calmly walked outside, where I smashed my head into my concrete driveway...oh, about seven times. Dazed, I returned inside and proceeded to the refrigerator. Finding the lemon juice on the top shelf behind the yogurt, I removed the lid and poured the contents directly into my eyes. Staggering back to the computer, I was amazed to find the headline unchanged.

Did Bush make Brown his BFF?

From the article: "But since he's not one of those 20-somethings, it's a good bet the 61-year-old president has no idea that "BFF" is the proper way to greet a 'Best Friend Forever' when sending a text message. But make no mistake, the president spent just about the entire press conference trying to convince the world he and Brown really can be BFF's in a post-Blair era."

First of all--who writes consecutive sentences beginning with the word "But?" This guy writes for CNN? I must be in the wrong line of work. After all, I can write in coherent, well-constructed sentences. I expect my Pulitzer in the mail within the next week.

More to the point: really? Is the media so worthless today that they're resorting to the text-based slang language of teenage girls to help convey the importance of future diplomatic relations between the United States and Great Britain?

This reminds me a bit of this--World War II as played out in a chatroom. The first time I read it, I wondered why we didn't write all news and history this way.

Oh wait, no I didn't, because that would be fucking stupid.

Well, I'm off to use the restroom, but not before I print off a few pages of CNN.com to use as toilet paper. That seems to be all it is good for.

AK

I Haven't Died...Right?

Yes...It has been an incredibly long time since a sighting of an article branded "DS" has been reported in the Decaturian community. I must extend thanks to all of my adoring fans for constantly reminding me of this via Facebook. Your friendly, though firm, suggestions have led me once again to the light. Without you, I would be mearly dust...gay dust.

The world as we know it has lost interest as of late. Nothing exciting has really happened in the world...Well, I could be wrong. See, I have been sheltered from the media this last week in pursuit of a very noble objective:

Honk!...The Musical

What you are about to read will disturb you. I assisted in the success of a musical. Though I am not proud of it, I will say that it was an oddly pleasant change from my day to day droning that has kept me occupied this summer. For all of those wondering, I played alto and soprano sax in the pit orchestra. Though the musical consumed much of my time, I was exposed to a completely different world. This world, made up of two independent (though sometimes confused as one) cities, has really confused me. Allow me to share.

Day One:
I arrive at the Phillips Recreation Center for the first musical practice. This building acts as headquarters to the Urbana Park District. As I enter the meticulously cleaned glass doors I glance back, as if to reconsider my madness. When I turn, I see the words "Thank You and Come Back Soon" written on the back of the large wood "Welcome" sign.

I have arrived in Urbana...The most flaming city in all of gaydom.

Day Two:
My mentor and very good friend Dan Richards has come to visit me and relieve me from some of my isolation. As we sip lemonade and paint our nails on the front porch (to blend in of course) we decide that a Chinese buffet would be nice. We jump into 'ol Maytag (Dan's refrigerator of a Scion) and search all of Urbana for a Chinese buffet. Despite the presence of college students and liberal vegans (you know...the ones that think that every vegan should have the right to eat meat if they so please), there isn't a single buffet in sight. Just before we abort our desperate seach, I spot a City of Champaign truck sitting next to us at a red light. I roll my window down and ask for directions. They were given and we were on our way. We soon traveled outside of the safety of Urbana.
We arrive in another world. While sitting at a red light, we are honked at by angry motorists and watched in horror as a homeless man blessed our car with oil.

"What is this place, Master," I ask.

"Dear Padawan, this is Champaign. You will never find a more wretched hive of conservatives and Baptists. We must be cautious," Master Richards replied.

We ate without further incident and escaped to Urbana unscathed. Figuring we had seen enough danger in one day, Richards and I ventured to the Spurlock Museum. I could only smirk as the the guard applied a generous amount of lipstick to his lips. We were safe once again...Whew.

Today's Quote of the Day:
On the baritone saxophone (allegedly)
"Omg, I can't hold it up that long"
-Maggie Schopp

That is all. Good bye.
DS

The biggest badass, ever. EVER.

Meet Gary King.

Fifty years ago, the United States tested a 74-kiloton nuclear bomb in the sands of the Nevada desert. As was customary, the scientists were on hand to witness the effects on pigs, dogs, rabbits, mannequins, tanks, trucks--and Marines. Why not? We had extras handy.

So anyway, Gary King and Darel Brower were sent into a six-foot trench, a scant three miles from the blast. Three miles may sound like a long way, except that the blast literally blew doors off of their hinges 14 miles away, and was visible to pilots near Hawaii.

But I digress. Our two Marines are in the trench, the bomb is about to go off. They are told to cover their eyes with their arms and face away from the blast to avoid being blinded. When the bomb went off, however, the release of soft X-rays actually caused both men to see the bones in their arms through their eyelids. Trippy, eh?

Then, the Marines got out of the trench and enjoyed a nice leisurely stroll through the nuclear fallout, without masks or radiation protection. One can only presume at this point they were also running with scissors and swimming immediately after eating copious amounts of radioactive sand.

Despite receiving a dose of radiation almost 5,000 times higher than is safe, Gary is still alive today, now age 70. When asked if the experience scared him, he replied: “The answer is no. We were macho. It was just another assignment.” To this day, he maintains that the blast was "no big deal."

Ladies and gentlemen, gaze upon Gary King.

Never, EVER piss this guy off.

AK

World War III averted...barely

Brethren: Leave your safe rooms, bomb shelters and/or places of hiding for the nightmare is over. Dick Cheney is no longer president of the United States. That's right, folks, for two hours this morning, Dick Cheney--also known as The Dark Lord or, in most Democrat circles, Satan's little helper--was acting president of our great country.

I would have written about the transfer of power sooner--which took place because Dubya was undergoing a colonoscopy--but I wanted to stay in my newly purchased bomb shelter long enough to outlast the rioting and looting that certainly occurred between the hours of 12 a.m. and 9:21 a.m., the latter being when Bush resumed power and the former being the offical release time for Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows--also known as Harry Potter and the Glory of Capitalism or, in most Republican circles, Satan's little helper.

With these two events coinciding, I couldn't help but wonder if the world was coming to an end. Consider the following: "Deathly hallows" can be roughly defined as being made holy or sanctified through death. If Bush had died during his routine procedure, Cheney would have been made president. Coincidence? Probably. Mildly interesting? Eh. Good enough for a Saturday pithy conjecture?

You bet your Hermione it is.

DTR

Racism = Pointless

It is pointless to be racist. In the 21st century, it is impossible for one race to be superior to the other. Every race has something messed up about them...

For example, the whites are responsible for this "fuck nut"

























The blacks are...just see below.













The Mexicans can't keep their feet in one spot.




















...and the Jews fondle people's balls.









That is all. Good bye.
DS

It's a freaking harmonica

So I was at work today, and one of my coworkers was talking about his uncle (or somebody, I wasn't really paying attention). "He plays lots of instruments; guitar, drums, mouth organ..."

So what the hell is a mouth organ, I wondered. Not wishing to appear a fool before my colleague, I didn't ask.

On to Wikipedia, which places the term as a colloquialism for "harmonica," but it's not the only one.

"The harmonica has many names, especially in blues music. Commonly used names include: mouth-organ, blow-tube, Indiana Mating Call, mouth harp, Hobo Harp, French harp, Reckless Tram, harpoon, tin sandwich, blues harp, Mississippi saxophone, The Cincinnati Cheerwine, The Aussie Bluey, The Boston Blow Box, Texan French horn, The San Antonio Bagpipe or simply harp."

I especially like "tin sandwich" and "Boston Blow Box," but I suspect these names were stolen from B-grade porn. What would happen if I did a Google image search?

Note: These results are 100%, honest-to-God true. Check them yourself.

Boston Blow Box yielded this picture:

Let's try Hobo Harp:

What of Blow-tube?

As fun as this is, I can't help but feel like I could invent even better names. How about "Hobo Screamer," "Reed-pile," "Alabama Anus-Curler," or "Shittoon?" Let's try an image search for "Shittooon."

AK

Another blast from the past

One of my very first heavily satirical pieces. It ran in the "Depravaturian," known then as the "Dorkaturian," my sophomore year.

Confessions of a Straight Man

I sit before my computer, crying softly, questioning my manhood. On the TV...*sigh*...I can't say it...but I must. On the TV...Trading Spaces.

*sniffle*

I can't help myself. As I apathetically channel surf, my mind subconsciously tells my fingers to click those special numbers on my black, sleek, manly remote: Two. Eight. Zero. Channel: T L C

My mind tells me, "Don't worry. TLC is a subsidiary of the Discovery channel. They'll have some manly show on like 'The Secrets of Super Spies,' 'How to be a Pirate,' or 'Cars, Trucks, and Big Busted Women.'"

Content with my mind's reasoning, I allow my fingers to click click click their way to TLC.

"What's this?" asks my brain. "A forty-eight hour Trading Spaces marathon?! I had no idea THIS would be on...we better change the channel..."

"Wait!" I reply, "Maybe they'll use some manly power tools...(?)."

"Oh...ok..." my brain answers with that maniacal smirk...you know the smirk.

I sit and watch for hours upon hours, amazed, dazzled, stunned by the use of color and the total transformation each room endures.

"Bravo Doug, fabulous use of fabric! Astounding artwork, Kia! And Paige...oh my sweet, darling, exquisite Paige...how skillfully you control their $1000 budget...how masterfully you aid each team in their quest for design utopia. You, Paige, are truly the diva of design, the Queen of color...you are the Matriarch of mediation!" Alas, my vocalized praise is for naught. How quickly I forget; they cannot hear me...

*sniffle*

I admit: I am addicted to Trading Spaces. I am addicted to their witty fashion designer jokes, the creative design schemes, and the fantastic custom-made furniture. How can one NOT be enthralled!? GIVE ME MORE OF THAT TWO-DAY DESIGN ORGY!!!

...


Am I alone? Am I the only straight guy who enjoys a nice pastel with amazing accent colors? Surely not! Straight male fans of Trading Spaces...UNITE! Get in touch with your feminine side! It's ok to cry, to do your nails, to spend sixteen hours doing your hair, to dress in gay fashion of the 90s! Together, we shall create a super society of men who think they're women!

We must show the world the wonders of metrosexuality!!!

...

Wait...Screw that. Where's my flannel shirt...?

DTR

Ten Things I Learned from "Live Free or Die Hard"

1. Being injured or killed by a large explosion can be avoided by either: a) hiding in a minivan with the side door open (facing the explosion); or b) being in the next room, shielded by a mere inch of drywall and wiring. Moreover, the concussion will not damage your hearing--even temporarily.

2. If you flip enough switches, any helicopter will start.

3. An elite hacker, though he can afford several hundred thousand dollars of computer equipment and Star Wars memerobilia, will always live in his octogenarian mother's basement.

4. Said hacker can easily be found because he--and he alone--owns and can operate a gasoline generator.

5. If, at any time, your roommate runs into your room and proclaims, "I just made $50,000," there is no reason at all to be suspicious.

6. Even if there are anthrax scares, power outages, communication breakdowns, and interruption of all social services, OnStar will always be there. Furthermore, their agents will be calm and cooperative, despite the fact that they have probably received thousands of calls just in the past several seconds.

7. Hackers can do ANYTHING, and always within 5-10 seconds. Examples include: obtaining the radio frequency and callsign for an airborn F-35, activating and moving a webcam that cannot possibly move on its own, accessing an obsolete cell phone satellite network (with a PDA), and, by simultaneously monitoring every single radio signal in the entire United States, finding a single person based on their voice, then instantly pinpoint their location.

8. Most detectives carry at least 6 ammunition clips on their person at all times, anticipating a prolonged gun battle when 50 shots simply isn't enough.

9. When staffing a facility that, given a national disaster, will house a computer system that serves as a backup for all financial data for every person and corporation in the United States, no more than four guards will be neccessary, and they should not wear body armor.

10. Two and a half hours of life spent watching Live Free or Die Hard can never be recovered. You can, however, get your money back.

AK

Happy Birthday, fucknuts!

And by fucknuts, I of course refer to our most honorable President of the United States, Mr. George Walker Bush. I'm sure the birthday celebration, attended by visiting family and friends, is a great way to break up the monotony of dealing with one self-caused political shitstorm after another.

Anyway, I thought I should send the President a gift for his 61st birthday, so I farted into an empty pickle jar 61 times and mailed it to the White House. And in case everyone else forgot to send their gift, I signed it: "To President Bush, from 74% of the United States."

AK

Shit...In a Bun

ESPN...I hate you. Seriously. Since when does the Hot Dog Eating World Championship QUALIFY AS A FREAKIN SPORT!? I'm watching it right now and it is absolutely ridiculous. I can actually hear the Ethiopian children crying. Just to sum it up, this is what is happening: A group of men (and one woman called upon as the "Black Widow") have 12 minutes to pack as many hot dogs as they can into their gluttonous mouths.


Basically, it all came down to this American guy name Joey Chestnut and some Asian fool named Takeru Kobayashi (who has won before...six times). You know...I believe that people should be able to deep throat as many hot dogs as they want, but what the announcer said next is what just blew me away.

"If Chestnut wins, you can go on Google tomorrow and search for the word "hero" and find names such as Abe Lincoln, Neil Armstrong, and Joey Chestnut."

What?

Yes...Eating 66 hot dogs is on the same level of national achievement as freeing the slaves and being the first human being to step foot on an extraterrestrial world.

As it turns out, Joey Chestnut won the competition. Oh, how the American flag proudly waves. Now, in addition to all of the other great things our country has done, we can claim the worlds biggest hot dog-eating fat ass.


And oh yeah, I actually just Googled the word "hero"...Joey Chestnut isn't anywhere to be found...not even on the 82nd page of results. What I did find on that page was "Hero Festival Auckland - Gay and Lesbian Festival, Street Parade"

That's right, ESPN...The gays are more heroic than your damn hot dog eating champion.

On the bright side...at least the winner was American.

Happy Fucking Fourth of July...Bastards. That is all. Good bye

DS

Transformers: Crap in disguise

In a man's lifetime, he can only expect to see one movie that embodies the idea of "suck" so perfectly that the world audience, unable to fathom how hard they are actually being screwed, receives an odd pleasure from witnessing the visual equivalent of a viagra-induced coma. Until last night, I thought I had already seen the worst movie of my lifetime. I thought to myself, as I purchased my ticket for Transformers, that no movie could possibly be as bad as the Keanu Reeves suckfest that was The Matrix: Revolution, especially this film. With the Transformers franchise and the special effects of Industrial Light and Magic (ILM), how could anything mess up my movie experience?

Enter Michael Bay.

Foremost, the action sequences in Mr. Bay's movies are not good. Well, they might be, but I've never been able to see them through the jilting, seizure-inducing whirlwind that he calls camera work. Mr. Bay: I realize that as a Hollywood mega-director you give to charity so you can feel better about yourself, but for goodness sake, stop hiring Parkinson patients as camera crew. Even during scenes that had little action, like a search for glasses in Sam Witwicky's (Shia LaBeouf) bedroom, I felt like a shaken baby. Put the camera on a stand, Mr. Bay, or at least hand out neck braces with the tickets.

Even when the camera stopped movie enough for me to realize that I wasn't watching The Blair Witch Project, the acting made me wish I was. One might argue that the world hasn't seen acting this horrible since President Bush's last "State of Union" address, but I contend that even Mr. Bush, whether pretending to run the country or cook a Hot Pocket, seems a veritable Kevin Spacey when compared to the lethargic and often wanton actions of Megan Fox as Mikaela Banes. I understand that every good action thriller needs eye candy to detract from the plot holes, but that being said, if Ms. Fox was indeed there to titillate instead of personate, which I believe she was, then why did she have lines? Any physical attraction I might have felt to her was made null every time she opened her mouth.

The saving grace for the film, and perhaps the only reason I didn't walk out, was the Witwicky family and their blunt, though humorous, discussion of "Sam's Happy Time." That's right, folks. The highlight of the movie was a comedic scene about masturbation. If I had to give this film a snappy one liner for the front of a magazine or newspaper headline, the only positive thing it could possible say would be, "Michael Bay does masturbation well!" And while I think the Witwicky family was well written and acted brilliantly, it's sad commentary that they were the singular entity keeping me from sending Michael Bay an envelope of white, fluffy powder.

And I suppose that I should also give credit to ILM for their amazing digital creations. I can't even imagine how long it took to make Jon Voight look so young.

Bottom line: You have been warned. If you see this movie now, you are supporting the career of a director that believes love stories can materialize even when giant, evil robots are crushing innocent people on either side of you, blood dripping onto your already injured, though remarkably shiny and oddly attractive, body--a director that portrayed two teens basically having sex on top of a car, which happens to be a sentient being, while other vehicles watch, headlights aglow and hoods "popped."

I rate this movie a -7.5 out of 10 to symbolize the loss of my $7.50, a sum Michael Bay will use to fund his next crappy film: The Birds, "A remake of Alfred Hitchcock's 1963 thriller about a flock of birds that take over a quiet Northern California town."

I wish I was making it up.

DTR

Happy 34th of June!

As I was browsing the Internets, I happened upon a page entitled "Could you pass the U.S. citizenship test?" Having already passed it once when I was a mere infant by being born here, I figured it would be a breeze. Here were my answers:

1. How many stripes are there on the U.S. flag?
-13. This question would have been harder, except there were no fewer than 4 flags displayed on the testing page.

2. Who is the chief justice of the Supreme Court today?
-Chuck Norris. Or, at least it should be.

3. In what year was the Constitution written?
-Scientists disagree: some say 6,000 years ago, some say 4.5 billion. Who knows?

4. Which of these is guaranteed by the First Amendment?
-The fact that the Constitution should not have been written in pen, making changes harder to make.

5. How many Supreme Court justices are there?
-Nine active, three on disabled reserve.

6. What are the first 10 amendments to the Constitution called?
-Fred, Bob, William, Jack, Paul, John, Matt, Dave, Sam, and Paco.

7. When was the Declaration of Independence adopted?
-1776, but they didn't tell it until 1784. It wouldn't have understood.

8. Which of the following amendments to the Constitution does NOT address or guarantee voting rights?
-Most of them, I would imagine.

9. What are the 13 original states?
-Isn't that kind of unlucky? No wonder we've had so many wars...

10. What do the stripes on the U.S. flag mean?
-Probably "Fuck Britain," as with most other stuff we came up with back then.

11. What is the introduction to the Constitution called?
-The title page.

12. How many changes or amendments are there to the Constitution?
-Including the ones I made on the copy I printed out, 52. Notable among them are Amendment 45: "I rule," and Amendment 52: "I'm bored now."

13. Which of the following is NOT one of the constitutional requirements to be eligible to become president?
-A brain. Obviously.

14. Who selects the Supreme Court justices?
-Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, and that black guy that nobody likes.

15. How many representatives are there in Congress?
-Hey, if pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress? BUAHAHAHAHA! IT'S CONGRESS! HAHAHAHAH! I KILL ME!

16. Who said, "Give me liberty or give me death"?
-Patrick Henry, right before he said, "But preferably liberty."

17. Why did the Pilgrims come to America?
-They were looking for a good dentist.

18. Who has the power to declare war?
-Congress, providing that the President uses the words "pretty please with sugar on top."

19. What INS form is used to apply to become a naturalized citizen?
-I would imagine this question is a gimme to the test-takers, as the name is probably written in big letters on the top of the test form.

20. Which of these contains three rights or freedoms guaranteed by the Bill of Rights?
-The Bill of Rights. Note: the right to party has been proven to be aliable--it must be fought for.

.............................

Well, as it turns out I didn't do so well. My score would definitely not have gained me citizenship to the whole United States--probably just the Southern states.

Try your luck here, and post your scores in the comment thread. May the best American win!

AK

Uh Oh...

So I've got this buddy from Notmillikin University (it's overseas). Apparently, the whole professional staff of their Office of Residential Harassment was arrested for requiring students to sign away the rights to their first born children in order to live off campus! Here are the mugshots:


Director Heinous Bitch






Director's Bitch Lookslike Vincevaughn






Director's Bitch's Bitch Alan Cocksington




Thank God they caught them. That is all. Good Bye.

DS

Bruce Willis

He's a bad ass. Wanna know why?

1) He takes down a helicopter with a car because he ran out of bullets and didn't feel like reloading

2)He takes down an X-35 Strike Fighter...hand to hand.

Eat your heart out Chuck Norris.Watch Live Free or Die Harder or...die?

DS

Be afraid...Be very afraid

Surprise, surprise. According to a video obtained by ABCNews.com, a brand new batch of newly "graduated" terrorist are now expected to be finding their ways into the United States and Europe. Yes, ladies and gentlemen...The suicide bomber candidates graduated from suicide bomber school. You can actually watch a part of the ceremony here.

Please notice the honorary speaker in the video. We had our staff translator of all languages make sense of the speech.

Fellow Graduates:

Good afternoon. As you all know, being a suicide bomber isn't easy. With the United States's nose so firmly stuck up our asses, we have had a dry spot, if you will, with enrollment. We've had to resort to rather unconventional practices to recruit new members, but thanks to Facebook, we will finally complete our mission.

I would like to share some advice with my fellow graduates. We have made it this far. We must not be discouraged by our enemy's size or our eminent failure...I mean, come on guys. We are going to get our asses fried either way. If we succeed, we burst into flame. If we fail, we get ass raped by The One...The Cowboy. Don't let that get you down. When we die, we will be awarded with 72 virgins.

But, what if they are all men? Wouldn't that suck (literally)? I mean, I don't know about you, but I don't want to spend eternity as a butt slave...How terrifying is that? But I guess it could be much worse than that. We could not have health insurance.

Well shit, we don't have that either. Who in their right mind would insure some dumb ass who flies planes into buildings? I sure in the hell wouldn't...I mean, that is just stupid.

I have a better idea...Stop being a bunch of dumb asses and have someone else do our evil bidding. Let's have the squirrels do it, eh? I mean, our brother in Germany did a great job. Allah damn it, I think we should send them to the United States. Our first target: Millikin University. It will be simple. They are defenseless.

Unite, brothers of terror! To Millikin University!

DS

Spellcheck--not just for breakfast anymore

Watch out people--the "torture genre" has just added another new weapon to its arsenal. The webpage and previews for the movie Captivity hint at the horrors within:


That's right people: GRIZZLY IMAGES. Stephen Colbert beware!

AK

The Squirrels are Coming! The Squirrels are Coming!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I predict that Millikin University is on the verge of a violent squirrel revolution. Though you may be alarmed, I feel as if a little knowledge will light the way.

According to reuters.com, a squirrel in Passau, Germany went on a violent spree of hate. The disgruntled squirrel apparently attacked a 70 year old woman at her home. The violence, however, did not end there. Shortly after the woman shook off the animal, it attacked a construction worker and finally met its end at the hand of an old man and his crutch. Though the attack seems to be completely unprovoked, I believe otherwise.

As you have probably noticed, there resides a rather aggressive group of squirrels at Millikin University. Though most of us are scared to no end by them, there are students who find the small mammals quite charming.

One example is Millikin senior Chris Wheeler. When asked if squirrels at Millikin make him feel unsafe, he responded quite promptly, "No they don't". He later elaborated by stating, "They make me happy because they throw nuts at people who usually deserve it."

There it is ladies and gentlemen...They throw nuts. At students. Malicious I tell you! Of course, it would be much easier to put students at ease if Millikin's own Safety and Security director were to give an encouraging statement...but he didn't. I suppose that we should remember that it isn't his job...or his officer's jobs...to keep us safe... Even from squirrels who, according to squirrels.org, can grow up to three feet in length. It's okay, Mr. Mickler. A three foot, herbivorous (allegedly) mammal can be absolutely terrifying and almost impossible to defend against.

In response to the escalating risk of a violent squirrel uprising, my colleagues and I have created the brand new Millikin University Squirrel Advisory System.



I am officially declaring Millikin University at Squirrel Alert Orange. They are coming people. They are going to swoop down on us like a hobo on a half-eaten corn dog.

That it all. Good Bye.

DS