Some Pithy Conjecture

We found the bees!

2008-08-06T23:43:00.000-06:00

2008-06-25T11:22:00.002-06:00

And I assumed that Pithy Conjecture was dead - I guess that is impossible.

Anyway - Thought some of you might enjoy this. As it turns out, you can't trust a crack dealer.

That is all - Good Day
DS

CNN needs a headline editor

2007-09-28T21:23:00.000-06:00

Victim uses Facebook to finger suspect

....think clean thoughts....think clean thoughts....

AK

Debunking the hype

2007-09-12T10:22:00.000-06:00

I'm still on a global warming rant.

And I figure I should share with the SPC community.

DTR

A study in relative truth - Part II

2007-09-04T11:20:00.000-06:00

More headlines:

Internet 'killing cinema', says director Scott

and

Hollywood breaks summer box office records

...head...exploding...

DTR

A study in relative truth

2007-09-04T09:30:00.001-06:00

The headline says "Study: 2.4 million kids have ADHD."

The headline should have said "SPC Study: 2.35 million parents have no patience."

DTR

Holy environmental conspiracy, Al Gore!

2007-08-30T16:49:00.000-06:00

More linkage to serve my neo-libertarian agenda, pinkos:

Fewer than half of scientists endorse a man-made global warming theory. Where's your scientific consensus now, comrades?

So, buy your carbon credits, drive your Prius, pay homage to Rev. Gore. But don't tell me to do the same.

...

That felt good.

DTR

Oh, that's where they were...

2007-08-30T14:13:00.000-06:00

Iraq WMDs. Found.

In the United Nations.

Just thought you should know.

DTR

...I'm literally speechless...

2007-08-25T18:17:00.000-06:00

Oh. My. God.

AK

America's Got...Too Much Spare Time

2007-08-22T20:19:00.000-06:00

"America's Got Talent" and "Britain's Got Talent" are produced by the same people, feature that insufferable ass Simon Cowell as a judge, and are utterly unwatchable. For comparison's sake, they are basically the same show, the only difference being their location--and therefore, body of participants.

So let's see if you can spot the difference between this year's winners. We'll start with Britain: http://youtube.com/watch?v=9oxTy7KIAaA

Now America: http://youtube.com/watch?v=XLmlOm85EYA

For those of you on dialup, I'll summarize the videos. Paul Potts, the winner of Britain's Got Talent, performs Nessun Dorma, the tenor aria from Turandot made famous by Pavorrotti. It isn't quite as good as Pavorrotti, and I can't help being slightly disgusted by his teeth (he is British, after all), but it's a performance that wouldn't be too out of place at the Met. He sings with tangible emotion, bringing the entire crowd to their feet, renders Simon practically speechless, and gives the female judge what appears to be a...well, you'll have to look for yourself (1 minute 56 seconds in).

The winner of America's Got Talent is a ventriloquist. His act involves a shit-ass turtle puppet, and he performs a halfway-decent impersonation of Kermit the Frog singing "Rainbow Connection." Sure, he's a good ventriloquist, but he is the master of an art form that usually resides somewhere between mime and dinner theatre in terms of artistic merit. Oh, and the other judges on this show are Sharon Osborn and David Hasselhoff--one can almost taste the mediocrity.

C'mon America--we need to step it up. If we don't, we'll quickly become a culturally devoid shell of our former self. At least we'll fit in with Canada.

AK

Conjecture from Canada Part 1

2007-08-08T09:52:00.000-06:00

Greetings/Bonjour,

So here I am in St. Andrews, New Brunswick, Canada for a two-week theory and composition immersion. Having been here only a few days, I have already noticed a few key differences between America and our neighbor to the north. They are as follows:

1. People are nice
-My first day here, we were touring the town, and I noticed that the locals were behaving in a strange way. If an old person was going toward a door, someone would hold it open. If there was a mother pushing a stroller down the sidewalk, people got out of her way. All the cars actually obey traffic signals, and universally gave pedestrians the right of way. The minimum-wage workers in every store were genuinely pleasant. And here's the kicker--outside of one store, there were two metal bowls filled with water, with a sign that read: "Is your pet thirsty? Here's a drink on us."

Mindblowing. I thought decent human beings went the way of the dodo sometime around Eisenhower. Who knew they just migrated?

2. But you have to pay for it
-Holy balls, things are expensive here. I've eaten in a restaurant twice, and each time it cost me about $15. There are no fast-food places, so I've been forced to shop for and prepare my own food as not to go broke (though the prices at the grocery store were slightly more reasonable). Yesterday I stopped at one of the five--yes, I counted--five ice cream shops in town, and I got an authentic chocolate gelato. The cup was about the size of a Dixie cup, maybe two ounces. Price? $3! As my dad would say, for that much it should come with oral sex.

3. No minorities
-At least no native minorities. I haven't seen a single person native who wasn't white, or for that matter, who wasn't of Irish or Dutch descent. So far I've only spotted a family of Asian tourists (so many cameras...), two Brits at the grocery store, and one black guy--Professor Stafford.

4. My cell phone hates Canada
-I had assumed it would stop working once I got here, but I could never have expected the various shenanigans it would inevitably pull. Even though we are literally half a mile from Maine (we could swim there if the water weren't 40 degrees), the phone is on permanent roam. However, it also randomly changes time zones, from the correct Atlantic into Eastern. This has led to my wake-up alarm going off at several times during the day. Also, I got a text message two hours after it had been sent, and it was in French. My voicemail also speaks French now.

Well, that's all I have for now. Look for parts 2 and 3 if I get bored enough. Au revoir!

AK

Do you have a flag?

2007-08-02T19:55:00.000-06:00

Things in the world are really starting to hit the fan. Gays are wanting to marry, Mexicans are wanting to relocate, vegans aren't having sex with the carnivores, and the damn Russians are running all of the place claiming land by erecting flags. What are we law abiding white Americans going to do...besides sitting on our lazy asses and pretend like we run the world?

Hell if I know.

Anyway, the Canadians think that the Russians are stupid for claiming land with flags, but that's okay.I think the Canadians are stupid for...well...being Canadian. Besides, the flag hoisting is an important part of land claiming. Click here to see what the future British Prime Minister has to say about it.

If I had it my way, that's how we would score chicks (or dicks). Just run up to her (or him) and just stick a flag in their forehead. That's what other people are starting to do anyway. Take good 'ol Texan Terror for example:

Good job ya bastard...Daddy must be proud.

That is all. Good bye.
DS

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Mad Science!!!

2007-08-02T19:47:00.001-06:00

Now we know the mad science that dictates the Cheney Craziness (it may even explain why he shoots people...in the face). Click here.

That is all. Goodbye.
DS

IDK, My BFF Bush?

2007-07-30T23:10:00.000-06:00

Okay, I realize that everybody thinks they're going insane from time to time. I can't be the only one. I think we've all had days when we stared at a single word--like "bland" or "each"-- for ten minutes, because they just don't look right. Or maybe when you'll look around the house for a few hours for an item that was in your left pocket--or worse, in your hand-- the entire time. Ever thrown away your car keys and walked out the door with a banana peel?

Well, I have. So I figured maybe it was just me when I came across a headline on CNN.com a few hours ago. Immediately afterwards, I stood up and calmly walked outside, where I smashed my head into my concrete driveway...oh, about seven times. Dazed, I returned inside and proceeded to the refrigerator. Finding the lemon juice on the top shelf behind the yogurt, I removed the lid and poured the contents directly into my eyes. Staggering back to the computer, I was amazed to find the headline unchanged.

Did Bush make Brown his BFF?

From the article: "But since he's not one of those 20-somethings, it's a good bet the 61-year-old president has no idea that "BFF" is the proper way to greet a 'Best Friend Forever' when sending a text message. But make no mistake, the president spent just about the entire press conference trying to convince the world he and Brown really can be BFF's in a post-Blair era."

First of all--who writes consecutive sentences beginning with the word "But?" This guy writes for CNN? I must be in the wrong line of work. After all, I can write in coherent, well-constructed sentences. I expect my Pulitzer in the mail within the next week.

More to the point: really? Is the media so worthless today that they're resorting to the text-based slang language of teenage girls to help convey the importance of future diplomatic relations between the United States and Great Britain?

This reminds me a bit of this--World War II as played out in a chatroom. The first time I read it, I wondered why we didn't write all news and history this way.

Oh wait, no I didn't, because that would be fucking stupid.

Well, I'm off to use the restroom, but not before I print off a few pages of CNN.com to use as toilet paper. That seems to be all it is good for.

AK

I Haven't Died...Right?

2007-07-30T21:42:00.000-06:00

Yes...It has been an incredibly long time since a sighting of an article branded "DS" has been reported in the Decaturian community. I must extend thanks to all of my adoring fans for constantly reminding me of this via Facebook. Your friendly, though firm, suggestions have led me once again to the light. Without you, I would be mearly dust...gay dust.

The world as we know it has lost interest as of late. Nothing exciting has really happened in the world...Well, I could be wrong. See, I have been sheltered from the media this last week in pursuit of a very noble objective:

Honk!...The Musical

What you are about to read will disturb you. I assisted in the success of a musical. Though I am not proud of it, I will say that it was an oddly pleasant change from my day to day droning that has kept me occupied this summer. For all of those wondering, I played alto and soprano sax in the pit orchestra. Though the musical consumed much of my time, I was exposed to a completely different world. This world, made up of two independent (though sometimes confused as one) cities, has really confused me. Allow me to share.

Day One:
I arrive at the Phillips Recreation Center for the first musical practice. This building acts as headquarters to the Urbana Park District. As I enter the meticulously cleaned glass doors I glance back, as if to reconsider my madness. When I turn, I see the words "Thank You and Come Back Soon" written on the back of the large wood "Welcome" sign.

I have arrived in Urbana...The most flaming city in all of gaydom.

Day Two:
My mentor and very good friend Dan Richards has come to visit me and relieve me from some of my isolation. As we sip lemonade and paint our nails on the front porch (to blend in of course) we decide that a Chinese buffet would be nice. We jump into 'ol Maytag (Dan's refrigerator of a Scion) and search all of Urbana for a Chinese buffet. Despite the presence of college students and liberal vegans (you know...the ones that think that every vegan should have the right to eat meat if they so please), there isn't a single buffet in sight. Just before we abort our desperate seach, I spot a City of Champaign truck sitting next to us at a red light. I roll my window down and ask for directions. They were given and we were on our way. We soon traveled outside of the safety of Urbana.
We arrive in another world. While sitting at a red light, we are honked at by angry motorists and watched in horror as a homeless man blessed our car with oil.

"What is this place, Master," I ask.

"Dear Padawan, this is Champaign. You will never find a more wretched hive of conservatives and Baptists. We must be cautious," Master Richards replied.

We ate without further incident and escaped to Urbana unscathed. Figuring we had seen enough danger in one day, Richards and I ventured to the Spurlock Museum. I could only smirk as the the guard applied a generous amount of lipstick to his lips. We were safe once again...Whew.

Today's Quote of the Day:
On the baritone saxophone (allegedly)
"Omg, I can't hold it up that long"
-Maggie Schopp

That is all. Good bye.
DS

The biggest badass, ever. EVER.

2007-07-24T22:58:00.000-06:00

Meet Gary King.

Fifty years ago, the United States tested a 74-kiloton nuclear bomb in the sands of the Nevada desert. As was customary, the scientists were on hand to witness the effects on pigs, dogs, rabbits, mannequins, tanks, trucks--and Marines. Why not? We had extras handy.

So anyway, Gary King and Darel Brower were sent into a six-foot trench, a scant three miles from the blast. Three miles may sound like a long way, except that the blast literally blew doors off of their hinges 14 miles away, and was visible to pilots near Hawaii.

But I digress. Our two Marines are in the trench, the bomb is about to go off. They are told to cover their eyes with their arms and face away from the blast to avoid being blinded. When the bomb went off, however, the release of soft X-rays actually caused both men to see the bones in their arms through their eyelids. Trippy, eh?

Then, the Marines got out of the trench and enjoyed a nice leisurely stroll through the nuclear fallout, without masks or radiation protection. One can only presume at this point they were also running with scissors and swimming immediately after eating copious amounts of radioactive sand.

Despite receiving a dose of radiation almost 5,000 times higher than is safe, Gary is still alive today, now age 70. When asked if the experience scared him, he replied: “The answer is no. We were macho. It was just another assignment.” To this day, he maintains that the blast was "no big deal."

Ladies and gentlemen, gaze upon Gary King.

Never, EVER piss this guy off.

World War III averted...barely

2007-07-21T12:46:00.000-06:00

Brethren: Leave your safe rooms, bomb shelters and/or places of hiding for the nightmare is over. Dick Cheney is no longer president of the United States. That's right, folks, for two hours this morning, Dick Cheney--also known as The Dark Lord or, in most Democrat circles, Satan's little helper--was acting president of our great country.

I would have written about the transfer of power sooner--which took place because Dubya was undergoing a colonoscopy--but I wanted to stay in my newly purchased bomb shelter long enough to outlast the rioting and looting that certainly occurred between the hours of 12 a.m. and 9:21 a.m., the latter being when Bush resumed power and the former being the offical release time for Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows--also known as Harry Potter and the Glory of Capitalism or, in most Republican circles, Satan's little helper.

With these two events coinciding, I couldn't help but wonder if the world was coming to an end. Consider the following: "Deathly hallows" can be roughly defined as being made holy or sanctified through death. If Bush had died during his routine procedure, Cheney would have been made president. Coincidence? Probably. Mildly interesting? Eh. Good enough for a Saturday pithy conjecture?

You bet your Hermione it is.

DTR

Racism = Pointless

2007-07-18T19:24:00.000-06:00

It is pointless to be racist. In the 21st century, it is impossible for one race to be superior to the other. Every race has something messed up about them...

For example, the whites are responsible for this "fuck nut"

The blacks are...just see below.

The Mexicans can't keep their feet in one spot.

...and the Jews fondle people's balls.

That is all. Good bye.
DS

It's a freaking harmonica

2007-07-17T17:44:00.000-06:00

So I was at work today, and one of my coworkers was talking about his uncle (or somebody, I wasn't really paying attention). "He plays lots of instruments; guitar, drums, mouth organ..."

So what the hell is a mouth organ, I wondered. Not wishing to appear a fool before my colleague, I didn't ask.

On to Wikipedia, which places the term as a colloquialism for "harmonica," but it's not the only one.

"The harmonica has many names, especially in blues music. Commonly used names include: mouth-organ, blow-tube, Indiana Mating Call, mouth harp, Hobo Harp, French harp, Reckless Tram, harpoon, tin sandwich, blues harp, Mississippi saxophone, The Cincinnati Cheerwine, The Aussie Bluey, The Boston Blow Box, Texan French horn, The San Antonio Bagpipe or simply harp."

I especially like "tin sandwich" and "Boston Blow Box," but I suspect these names were stolen from B-grade porn. What would happen if I did a Google image search?

Note: These results are 100%, honest-to-God true. Check them yourself.

Boston Blow Box yielded this picture:

Let's try Hobo Harp:

What of Blow-tube?

As fun as this is, I can't help but feel like I could invent even better names. How about "Hobo Screamer," "Reed-pile," "Alabama Anus-Curler," or "Shittoon?" Let's try an image search for "Shittooon."

Another blast from the past

2007-07-15T22:24:00.000-06:00

One of my very first heavily satirical pieces. It ran in the "Depravaturian," known then as the "Dorkaturian," my sophomore year.

Confessions of a Straight Man

I sit before my computer, crying softly, questioning my manhood. On the TV...*sigh*...I can't say it...but I must. On the TV...Trading Spaces.

*sniffle*

I can't help myself. As I apathetically channel surf, my mind subconsciously tells my fingers to click those special numbers on my black, sleek, manly remote: Two. Eight. Zero. Channel: T L C

My mind tells me, "Don't worry. TLC is a subsidiary of the Discovery channel. They'll have some manly show on like 'The Secrets of Super Spies,' 'How to be a Pirate,' or 'Cars, Trucks, and Big Busted Women.'"

Content with my mind's reasoning, I allow my fingers to click click click their way to TLC.

"What's this?" asks my brain. "A forty-eight hour Trading Spaces marathon?! I had no idea THIS would be on...we better change the channel..."

"Wait!" I reply, "Maybe they'll use some manly power tools...(?)."

"Oh...ok..." my brain answers with that maniacal smirk...you know the smirk.

I sit and watch for hours upon hours, amazed, dazzled, stunned by the use of color and the total transformation each room endures.

"Bravo Doug, fabulous use of fabric! Astounding artwork, Kia! And Paige...oh my sweet, darling, exquisite Paige...how skillfully you control their $1000 budget...how masterfully you aid each team in their quest for design utopia. You, Paige, are truly the diva of design, the Queen of color...you are the Matriarch of mediation!" Alas, my vocalized praise is for naught. How quickly I forget; they cannot hear me...

*sniffle*

I admit: I am addicted to Trading Spaces. I am addicted to their witty fashion designer jokes, the creative design schemes, and the fantastic custom-made furniture. How can one NOT be enthralled!? GIVE ME MORE OF THAT TWO-DAY DESIGN ORGY!!!

...

Am I alone? Am I the only straight guy who enjoys a nice pastel with amazing accent colors? Surely not! Straight male fans of Trading Spaces...UNITE! Get in touch with your feminine side! It's ok to cry, to do your nails, to spend sixteen hours doing your hair, to dress in gay fashion of the 90s! Together, we shall create a super society of men who think they're women!

We must show the world the wonders of metrosexuality!!!

...

Wait...Screw that. Where's my flannel shirt...?

DTR

Ten Things I Learned from "Live Free or Die Hard"

2007-07-12T22:11:00.001-06:00

1. Being injured or killed by a large explosion can be avoided by either: a) hiding in a minivan with the side door open (facing the explosion); or b) being in the next room, shielded by a mere inch of drywall and wiring. Moreover, the concussion will not damage your hearing--even temporarily.

2. If you flip enough switches, any helicopter will start.

3. An elite hacker, though he can afford several hundred thousand dollars of computer equipment and Star Wars memerobilia, will always live in his octogenarian mother's basement.

4. Said hacker can easily be found because he--and he alone--owns and can operate a gasoline generator.

5. If, at any time, your roommate runs into your room and proclaims, "I just made $50,000," there is no reason at all to be suspicious.

6. Even if there are anthrax scares, power outages, communication breakdowns, and interruption of all social services, OnStar will always be there. Furthermore, their agents will be calm and cooperative, despite the fact that they have probably received thousands of calls just in the past several seconds.

7. Hackers can do ANYTHING, and always within 5-10 seconds. Examples include: obtaining the radio frequency and callsign for an airborn F-35, activating and moving a webcam that cannot possibly move on its own, accessing an obsolete cell phone satellite network (with a PDA), and, by simultaneously monitoring every single radio signal in the entire United States, finding a single person based on their voice, then instantly pinpoint their location.

8. Most detectives carry at least 6 ammunition clips on their person at all times, anticipating a prolonged gun battle when 50 shots simply isn't enough.

9. When staffing a facility that, given a national disaster, will house a computer system that serves as a backup for all financial data for every person and corporation in the United States, no more than four guards will be neccessary, and they should not wear body armor.

10. Two and a half hours of life spent watching Live Free or Die Hard can never be recovered. You can, however, get your money back.

AK

Happy Birthday, fucknuts!

2007-07-06T17:06:00.000-06:00

And by fucknuts, I of course refer to our most honorable President of the United States, Mr. George Walker Bush. I'm sure the birthday celebration, attended by visiting family and friends, is a great way to break up the monotony of dealing with one self-caused political shitstorm after another.

Anyway, I thought I should send the President a gift for his 61st birthday, so I farted into an empty pickle jar 61 times and mailed it to the White House. And in case everyone else forgot to send their gift, I signed it: "To President Bush, from 74% of the United States."

AK

Shit...In a Bun

2007-07-05T17:49:00.000-06:00

ESPN...I hate you. Seriously. Since when does the Hot Dog Eating World Championship QUALIFY AS A FREAKIN SPORT!? I'm watching it right now and it is absolutely ridiculous. I can actually hear the Ethiopian children crying. Just to sum it up, this is what is happening: A group of men (and one woman called upon as the "Black Widow") have 12 minutes to pack as many hot dogs as they can into their gluttonous mouths.

Basically, it all came down to this American guy name Joey Chestnut and some Asian fool named Takeru Kobayashi (who has won before...six times). You know...I believe that people should be able to deep throat as many hot dogs as they want, but what the announcer said next is what just blew me away.

"If Chestnut wins, you can go on Google tomorrow and search for the word "hero" and find names such as Abe Lincoln, Neil Armstrong, and Joey Chestnut."

What?

Yes...Eating 66 hot dogs is on the same level of national achievement as freeing the slaves and being the first human being to step foot on an extraterrestrial world.

As it turns out, Joey Chestnut won the competition. Oh, how the American flag proudly waves. Now, in addition to all of the other great things our country has done, we can claim the worlds biggest hot dog-eating fat ass.

And oh yeah, I actually just Googled the word "hero"...Joey Chestnut isn't anywhere to be found...not even on the 82nd page of results. What I did find on that page was "Hero Festival Auckland - Gay and Lesbian Festival, Street Parade"

That's right, ESPN...The gays are more heroic than your damn hot dog eating champion.

On the bright side...at least the winner was American.

Happy Fucking Fourth of July...Bastards. That is all. Good bye

DS

Transformers: Crap in disguise

2007-07-05T12:51:00.000-06:00

In a man's lifetime, he can only expect to see one movie that embodies the idea of "suck" so perfectly that the world audience, unable to fathom how hard they are actually being screwed, receives an odd pleasure from witnessing the visual equivalent of a viagra-induced coma. Until last night, I thought I had already seen the worst movie of my lifetime. I thought to myself, as I purchased my ticket for Transformers, that no movie could possibly be as bad as the Keanu Reeves suckfest that was The Matrix: Revolution, especially this film. With the Transformers franchise and the special effects of Industrial Light and Magic (ILM), how could anything mess up my movie experience?

Enter Michael Bay.

Foremost, the action sequences in Mr. Bay's movies are not good. Well, they might be, but I've never been able to see them through the jilting, seizure-inducing whirlwind that he calls camera work. Mr. Bay: I realize that as a Hollywood mega-director you give to charity so you can feel better about yourself, but for goodness sake, stop hiring Parkinson patients as camera crew. Even during scenes that had little action, like a search for glasses in Sam Witwicky's (Shia LaBeouf) bedroom, I felt like a shaken baby. Put the camera on a stand, Mr. Bay, or at least hand out neck braces with the tickets.

Even when the camera stopped movie enough for me to realize that I wasn't watching The Blair Witch Project, the acting made me wish I was. One might argue that the world hasn't seen acting this horrible since President Bush's last "State of Union" address, but I contend that even Mr. Bush, whether pretending to run the country or cook a Hot Pocket, seems a veritable Kevin Spacey when compared to the lethargic and often wanton actions of Megan Fox as Mikaela Banes. I understand that every good action thriller needs eye candy to detract from the plot holes, but that being said, if Ms. Fox was indeed there to titillate instead of personate, which I believe she was, then why did she have lines? Any physical attraction I might have felt to her was made null every time she opened her mouth.

The saving grace for the film, and perhaps the only reason I didn't walk out, was the Witwicky family and their blunt, though humorous, discussion of "Sam's Happy Time." That's right, folks. The highlight of the movie was a comedic scene about masturbation. If I had to give this film a snappy one liner for the front of a magazine or newspaper headline, the only positive thing it could possible say would be, "Michael Bay does masturbation well!" And while I think the Witwicky family was well written and acted brilliantly, it's sad commentary that they were the singular entity keeping me from sending Michael Bay an envelope of white, fluffy powder.

And I suppose that I should also give credit to ILM for their amazing digital creations. I can't even imagine how long it took to make Jon Voight look so young.

Bottom line: You have been warned. If you see this movie now, you are supporting the career of a director that believes love stories can materialize even when giant, evil robots are crushing innocent people on either side of you, blood dripping onto your already injured, though remarkably shiny and oddly attractive, body--a director that portrayed two teens basically having sex on top of a car, which happens to be a sentient being, while other vehicles watch, headlights aglow and hoods "popped."

I rate this movie a -7.5 out of 10 to symbolize the loss of my $7.50, a sum Michael Bay will use to fund his next crappy film: The Birds, "A remake of Alfred Hitchcock's 1963 thriller about a flock of birds that take over a quiet Northern California town."

I wish I was making it up.

DTR

Happy 34th of June!

2007-07-04T11:36:00.000-06:00

As I was browsing the Internets, I happened upon a page entitled "Could you pass the U.S. citizenship test?" Having already passed it once when I was a mere infant by being born here, I figured it would be a breeze. Here were my answers:

1. How many stripes are there on the U.S. flag?
-13. This question would have been harder, except there were no fewer than 4 flags displayed on the testing page.

2. Who is the chief justice of the Supreme Court today?
-Chuck Norris. Or, at least it should be.

3. In what year was the Constitution written?
-Scientists disagree: some say 6,000 years ago, some say 4.5 billion. Who knows?

4. Which of these is guaranteed by the First Amendment?
-The fact that the Constitution should not have been written in pen, making changes harder to make.

5. How many Supreme Court justices are there?
-Nine active, three on disabled reserve.

6. What are the first 10 amendments to the Constitution called?
-Fred, Bob, William, Jack, Paul, John, Matt, Dave, Sam, and Paco.

7. When was the Declaration of Independence adopted?
-1776, but they didn't tell it until 1784. It wouldn't have understood.

8. Which of the following amendments to the Constitution does NOT address or guarantee voting rights?
-Most of them, I would imagine.

9. What are the 13 original states?
-Isn't that kind of unlucky? No wonder we've had so many wars...

10. What do the stripes on the U.S. flag mean?
-Probably "Fuck Britain," as with most other stuff we came up with back then.

11. What is the introduction to the Constitution called?
-The title page.

12. How many changes or amendments are there to the Constitution?
-Including the ones I made on the copy I printed out, 52. Notable among them are Amendment 45: "I rule," and Amendment 52: "I'm bored now."

13. Which of the following is NOT one of the constitutional requirements to be eligible to become president?
-A brain. Obviously.

14. Who selects the Supreme Court justices?
-Paula Abdul, Simon Cowell, and that black guy that nobody likes.

15. How many representatives are there in Congress?
-Hey, if pro is the opposite of con, what's the opposite of progress? BUAHAHAHAHA! IT'S CONGRESS! HAHAHAHAH! I KILL ME!

16. Who said, "Give me liberty or give me death"?
-Patrick Henry, right before he said, "But preferably liberty."

17. Why did the Pilgrims come to America?
-They were looking for a good dentist.

18. Who has the power to declare war?
-Congress, providing that the President uses the words "pretty please with sugar on top."

19. What INS form is used to apply to become a naturalized citizen?
-I would imagine this question is a gimme to the test-takers, as the name is probably written in big letters on the top of the test form.

20. Which of these contains three rights or freedoms guaranteed by the Bill of Rights?
-The Bill of Rights. Note: the right to party has been proven to be aliable--it must be fought for.

.............................

Well, as it turns out I didn't do so well. My score would definitely not have gained me citizenship to the whole United States--probably just the Southern states.

Try your luck here, and post your scores in the comment thread. May the best American win!

AK

Uh Oh...

2007-07-03T21:06:00.000-06:00

So I've got this buddy from Notmillikin University (it's overseas). Apparently, the whole professional staff of their Office of Residential Harassment was arrested for requiring students to sign away the rights to their first born children in order to live off campus! Here are the mugshots:

Director Heinous Bitch

Director's Bitch Lookslike Vincevaughn

Director's Bitch's Bitch Alan Cocksington

Thank God they caught them. That is all. Good Bye.

DS

Bruce Willis

2007-07-03T19:47:00.001-06:00

He's a bad ass. Wanna know why?

1) He takes down a helicopter with a car because he ran out of bullets and didn't feel like reloading

2)He takes down an X-35 Strike Fighter...hand to hand.

Eat your heart out Chuck Norris.Watch Live Free or Die Harder or...die?

DS

Be afraid...Be very afraid

2007-06-19T20:36:00.000-06:00

Surprise, surprise. According to a video obtained by ABCNews.com, a brand new batch of newly "graduated" terrorist are now expected to be finding their ways into the United States and Europe. Yes, ladies and gentlemen...The suicide bomber candidates graduated from suicide bomber school. You can actually watch a part of the ceremony here.

Please notice the honorary speaker in the video. We had our staff translator of all languages make sense of the speech.

Fellow Graduates:

Good afternoon. As you all know, being a suicide bomber isn't easy. With the United States's nose so firmly stuck up our asses, we have had a dry spot, if you will, with enrollment. We've had to resort to rather unconventional practices to recruit new members, but thanks to Facebook, we will finally complete our mission.

I would like to share some advice with my fellow graduates. We have made it this far. We must not be discouraged by our enemy's size or our eminent failure...I mean, come on guys. We are going to get our asses fried either way. If we succeed, we burst into flame. If we fail, we get ass raped by The One...The Cowboy. Don't let that get you down. When we die, we will be awarded with 72 virgins.

But, what if they are all men? Wouldn't that suck (literally)? I mean, I don't know about you, but I don't want to spend eternity as a butt slave...How terrifying is that? But I guess it could be much worse than that. We could not have health insurance.

Well shit, we don't have that either. Who in their right mind would insure some dumb ass who flies planes into buildings? I sure in the hell wouldn't...I mean, that is just stupid.

I have a better idea...Stop being a bunch of dumb asses and have someone else do our evil bidding. Let's have the squirrels do it, eh? I mean, our brother in Germany did a great job. Allah damn it, I think we should send them to the United States. Our first target: Millikin University. It will be simple. They are defenseless.

Unite, brothers of terror! To Millikin University!

DS

Spellcheck--not just for breakfast anymore

2007-06-16T22:23:00.001-06:00

Watch out people--the "torture genre" has just added another new weapon to its arsenal. The webpage and previews for the movie Captivity hint at the horrors within:

That's right people: GRIZZLY IMAGES. Stephen Colbert beware!

AK

The Squirrels are Coming! The Squirrels are Coming!

2007-06-14T23:41:00.000-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I predict that Millikin University is on the verge of a violent squirrel revolution. Though you may be alarmed, I feel as if a little knowledge will light the way.

According to reuters.com, a squirrel in Passau, Germany went on a violent spree of hate. The disgruntled squirrel apparently attacked a 70 year old woman at her home. The violence, however, did not end there. Shortly after the woman shook off the animal, it attacked a construction worker and finally met its end at the hand of an old man and his crutch. Though the attack seems to be completely unprovoked, I believe otherwise.

As you have probably noticed, there resides a rather aggressive group of squirrels at Millikin University. Though most of us are scared to no end by them, there are students who find the small mammals quite charming.

One example is Millikin senior Chris Wheeler. When asked if squirrels at Millikin make him feel unsafe, he responded quite promptly, "No they don't". He later elaborated by stating, "They make me happy because they throw nuts at people who usually deserve it."

There it is ladies and gentlemen...They throw nuts. At students. Malicious I tell you! Of course, it would be much easier to put students at ease if Millikin's own Safety and Security director were to give an encouraging statement...but he didn't. I suppose that we should remember that it isn't his job...or his officer's jobs...to keep us safe... Even from squirrels who, according to squirrels.org, can grow up to three feet in length. It's okay, Mr. Mickler. A three foot, herbivorous (allegedly) mammal can be absolutely terrifying and almost impossible to defend against.

In response to the escalating risk of a violent squirrel uprising, my colleagues and I have created the brand new Millikin University Squirrel Advisory System.

I am officially declaring Millikin University at Squirrel Alert Orange. They are coming people. They are going to swoop down on us like a hobo on a half-eaten corn dog.

That it all. Good Bye.

DS

Gay or Not...Take 2

2007-06-13T22:08:00.000-06:00

My Fellow, but confused, Americans:

I am disappointed. The votes are in and Kenny G is a 4.4 on the gay scale...making him not gay (for now...you will have your day. The ghost of Armstrong will get you. He told me so). That is okay, though. I can't expect all Americans to be absolutely perfect. For that reason, we will move on. This week's gay suspect is:

That's right folks. Jesus. The Christ. The Big Man, if you will. Here is the evidence standing against him:

- No wife or girlfriend (allegedly). Just ask the catholic church.

- Kick ass party tricks (water to wine, curing leprosy, etc.), but no party chicks.

- Was constantly followed by 12 men and 1 prostitute (that he never had sex with...allegedly. Must have been a fag-hag).

- Kissed Judas (Matthew 26:49)

- All of that crap about loving on another...He had to be a homo.

Post your votes. Only you can prevent homo fires.

DS

Coincidence? I Think Not

2007-06-13T21:45:00.000-06:00

Barack Hussein Obama

Saddam Hussein

Ladies and Gentlemen...It is obvious. Same name (vaguely) and same clothing style. If he wins the election, we will all be instruments of evil. That is all. Good Bye.

DS

We've always been at war with Eastasia...or was it Eurasia?

2007-06-12T11:02:00.000-06:00

An incredible example of political doublespeak.

DTR

F the FCC

2007-06-06T17:36:00.000-06:00

Last Monday, a federal appeals judge declared a new policy by the Federal Communications Commission "arbitrary and capricious," thus striking a surprising blow for personal responsibility and common sense. Overturned was a huge fine imposed on CBS when Bono (a bastion of family values if ever there was one) said--any children reading should now cover your eyes--"fucking brilliant" during the Golden Globes.

Now, what could possibly make these "bad" words bad? It's an interesting discussion--where do we draw the line between entertainment and obscenity? The FCC has decided that the word "fuck" in any context, from "I'll fucking kill you and your whole fucking family" to "I want to pet that fucking puppy" inherently has a sexual connotation, and therefore triggers enforcement and big fines.

First...what? Is this what passes for logic? Did I fall asleep and wake up in Mississippi or something?

Second--the word "fuck" certainly does not neccessarily have a sexual connotation. For more on this subject, visit one of the greatest things to ever hit the internet.

Last: while the FCC may overestimate just about everything (I think they once compared hearing the word "shit" to being struck in the testicles with a paint can, and hearing "cocksucker" to being teabagged by John Madden), they have sorely underestimated the dirty-ness of our minds. There are literally thousands of words that, in somebody's opinion, may have inherent sexual connotations yet are fine to say on TV.

Bang.

Come.

Member.

Nut.

Snatch.

Cock.

Plow.

Staff.

Erect.

Stroke.

So remember, dear reader, the next time you plow your field, bang a drum, or erect a monument, you are making the FCC--and by extension, Jesus--cry. You should be very ashamed of yourselves. Fuckers.

AK

Harry Potter...IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE BOOKS, DON'T READ THIS!!!

2007-06-06T12:02:00.000-06:00

A lot of interesting things are happening in the Harry Potter world. Daniel Radcliffe is now a quasi porn star, the movie Order of the Phoenix comes out to theaters July 11th, and the longly awaited last installment of the book series The Deathly Hollows is set to release on July 21st. Frankly, I couldn't be more excited (Yes...even about Radcliffe).

I think the time has come to start doing what we Potter fans do best: Try to guess what Rowling is up to. Please comment on this blog to discuss your theories about Deathly Hallows. Before we do, however, I am going to make some ground rules.

1. Dumbledore is dead. That's it. Croaked, kicked the bucket, perished, expired...whatever. He isn't coming back (though his portrait might be of some help), so don't entertain that thought.

2. Dumbledore is not any of the main characters from the future. That's dumb. Don't think about it.

3. Harry's parents are dead. They aren't coming back. That's all there is to it.

4. Voldemort is not Harry's father...For God's sake, this isn't Star Wars!

There it is. Start posting my chillins!

Hot or Not

2007-06-02T23:53:00.001-06:00

In an effort to become more vain and egotistical, I have submitted a picture of myself to Hotornot.com. The obvious motivation for such an act is obvious...I want people to tell me how breathtakingly gorgeous I am. So far, I am not doing so well.

I, along with most of civilization, know how attractive I am, but it doesn't hurt to hear about it every once in a while. Obviously, the right people aren't voting on my picture because I only have a 7.3 out of 10. As if to bitch slap me in the face, Hot or Not is quick to tell me that I am only more attractive that 69% of the other Hot or Not participants. This can't be right...Can it? Nah. I just think people are a little confused.

I have pondered upon this for a while and I believe that I have discovered a solution. I think that it would be necessary to take people's minds off of Hot or Not for a short time and give their poor brains a rest (I mean...Come on. 7.3? Something has to be tired up there) I think that if we implement a small change in pace, people will come to their senses and give me the votes I deserve.

Are you ready for it? *Drumroll*

GAY or NOT

I believe the title is rather self explanatory. To be able to continue our War against Gayism (I hear we are now at Code Purple - Significant Risk of Converting to Gayianity), I think that we should be able to properly identify the homosexuals. Below, you will find our Gay Suspect of the Week. Comment with your votes (On a 1-10 scale). And remember...Only you can prevent homo fires.

DS

Bill Gates...The Gates of Hell

2007-05-31T23:35:00.000-06:00

Bill Gates...I hate you. Wanna know why? BECAUSE MY DAMN PERIOD KEY IS BROKEN. Seriously, I was trying to clean it and it broke off, thus making it very difficult for me to produce periods. Like that last one...It hurt my finger. I'm suing

Why must everything you make turn out to be complete crap? Seriously, I can't think of the last thing your company has produced that has been even remotely useful. iMac is seriously kicking your ass...And sir, it makes me smile! I actually had a dream last night...Want to hear it? Too bad.(ouch)

We were in the land of...I don't know, but the air smelled like warm rootbeer, the rivers were made of glistening honey milk, and the flowers all glittered in the sweet sunlight. You were happily trotting along in the field at the speed of a Special Olympics cross country runner...You were so very happy. You see, going slow is your favorite past time. It doesn't matter...No one else is waiting on you. Who gives a shit anyway? You have more money than God because you somehow convinced the world to buy stolen property. The world is your burrito.

As you prance about, you hear some unfamiliar rushing sound. You look up lethargically and see something flying at your face. You aren't sure at first, but right before it smacks into your grill, you notice the familiar shape of a tenor saxophone glinting in the sunlight. You attempt to duck, but the concept of 'real time' is foreign to you. Nonetheless, the saxophone smashes wonderfully into your face and you are thrown several feet. When you recover and stand up, you see a man standing in front of you. You recognize the man.

It's Dan Southerland.

He leaps forward and pummels you with a series of strikes and kicks to the head. You attempt to fight back, but your resistance is useless. It isn't long before you are near the brink of unconsciousnesses. You beg for mercy but Dan swiftly reaches down and breaks your neck. Your world is finished.

That is all Mr Gates...You die at the hands of a homosexual. Your empire crumbles and standing on the rubble is iMac. You should have thought about all of this before you made a crappy laptop.

Oh shit...Microsoft doesn't manufacture Gateways. Sorry Bill. Hey Gateway, Inc...Want to hear about a dream I had last night...

DS

Spell check doesn't hurt. I promise.

2007-05-31T20:38:00.000-06:00

In an unprecedented move to personalize her new technology plan, Hillary Clinton today announced her dedication to getting new jobs for each individual American. She's starting with Tom Morrow. (Next week she's moving on to Don Imus and after her victory in 2008, Bill Clinton.)

Sure, the drive by media will make fun of Clinton for standing in front of a misspelled backdrop, but is it her fault that someone forgot to put a space between Tom's first and last name...and capitalize it? No, it's not her fault. Who is to blame for such an atrocity?

Walt Disney.

According to the blog Disneyscapes, "Tom Morrow is the witty host of the Innoventions attraction, which features the technology of tomorrow" at Disneyland in California.

Why would Tom Morrow need a new job? Why is Walt to blame? A little secret that was recently delivered to "Some Pithy Conjecture" headquarters... Many Bothans, and Cuban children, died to bring us this information:

When Walt Disney originally created his now famous cartoon mouse, he never intended to draw a mouse at all. In fact, he was afraid of mice. His original concept was Micky Moose:

But somehow, when the memo reached the animators, it read: "Mickey Mouse." A misspelling that founded an empire. Who was responsible for this misspelling?

Tom Morrow, a witty droid that was invented before spell check. And what the hell does this have to do with the misspelling behind Hillary Clinton?

Barely anything.

Except that one person happened to be working on her presentation that day. His name? His horrible, chill-inducing name?

Tom Morrow.

That's right, folks. Hillary's misspelling of Tommorrow can be traced to the robot she was trying to employ. And why did he do it? Tom hates her. He hates her with a passion. Why?

He was programmed that way: Walt Disney was a fascist, and you know what that makes Tom Morrow?

A registered republican. And a horrible speller.

This simply goes to prove that even a dead Walt Disney is part of the vast right wing conspiracy attempting to bring down Hillary Clinton.

You know what else this proves?

Bush caused 9/11.

You know what else this proves?

Global warming (or cooling).

You know what else this proves?

Bush killed Jimmy Hoffa, thus causing global 9/11.

DTR

On the Gays and Musical Theatre Students:

2007-05-30T19:13:00.000-06:00

Ladies and Gentlemen:

It appears that after my post, "The Dynamically Gay Duo," was published, there was a bit of concern shown by at least one of our readers. Before I address these "concerns," please allow me to digress slightly and share with you a comment left on my post.

"good job mr. southerland. first you put down musical theater and now homosexuals? i want to know why you hating people i thought being in college meant being tolerent to other peoples views and lifestyles. you are just a pathetic person that cant articulate your thoughts right. why do they let you write here?"

-Anonymous

First, Mr. Anonymous, allow me to express my deepest gratitude for your post. Not only have you certainly opened our eyes to the issues surrounding gay bashing and the act of "putting down musical theatre," but you have also given me the opportunity to humiliate you endlessly. Thank you sir...that means so much to me.

To begin, I will justly ignore all of your spelling and grammatical errors. Surely you noticed the red squiggly under certain words. Those aren't there to decorate the text, Mr. Nony. Western civilization likes to call this "spell check." I choose to ignore these errors because obviously you don't have a B.A. in English. What would you do with one of those anyway?

Now, about 'hating people' and all that jazz. I have plenty of reasons to hate musical theatre. Might I outline just five?

1)Rent
2)Oklahoma!
3)Cats
4)Chicago
5)Lord of the Rings...the Musical (I mean...seriously. Can you imagine a bunch of dancing orcs?)

It is obvious that any sane person would feel only the up most contempt for musical theatre. Some other reasons felt by the Millikin University student body include, but are not limited to, stealing our practice rooms, singing in the rain, speaking, breathing and, most seriously, seeing themselves as gifted, real musicians.

As for me hating the 'gays' (which one could argue that 'musical theatre' and 'gay' are actually synonymous)...I hate gays for the same reason I hate white people, saxophone players, Brazilians, women, intelligent conversation and Dan Richards. Obviously, the new millennium is not a season of love.

Now you know why I 'hating people.' As for why I am allowed to 'write here'...I'm not exactly sure, but it may be due to my apparent lack of being able to 'articulate my thoughts right.' And I am obviously pathetic. If you were to contact anyone associated with the Decaturian, you will find that those attributes are required before you write for them. That may come as an unpleasant surprise to you, but do not fret...the sun will come out tomorrow.

Thank you for the chance to address your concerns, Mr. Anonymous. I hope to be hearing from you in the future (though, consider letting someone else write your response...Someone who doesn't merely 'dance through life' when it comes to the English language).

Wickedly Yours,
Dan Southerland

Universally despised

2007-05-30T16:59:00.000-06:00

The Miss Universe 2007 pageant was completed this past Monday, leaving nothing but the smell of hairspray and angst in its wake. Who could imagine that a winner-take-all international contest run by Donald Trump might run somewhat less than swimmingly?

First, only 77 of the expected 90...ahem..."delegates"...participated in the event, which was held in Mexico City. Most simply had not chosen a delegate, though there were a few exceptions. The island nation Trinidad and Tobago, bless their hearts, just couldn't afford it (seriously). More startlingly, the ice-cold hippie factory known as Sweden pulled their delegate out of the competition, claiming that the competition misrepresents the modern woman. Oh, how the other competitors laughed--between mandatory rounds of botox.

The Mexican crowd had a lot to complain about as well, booing American contestant Rachel Smith throughout the competition. During her final interview, Smith spoke entirely English, much to the disdain of the crowd, who continued jeering and booing until she threw a "buenos noches" their way. I can see their point--what kind of ignorant, disrespectful bitch goes to another country without first learning the language?

In related news: protestors held a mock Miss Universe pageant in downtown Mexico City, with events such as Miss Marijuana, Miss Sexual Health, and Miss Human Rights. This leaves me wondering where I can get tickets, especially to Miss Sexual Health (I hear those ladies get around, if you catch my drift).

AK

The Dynamically Gay Duo

2007-05-28T14:16:00.000-06:00

The FDA has announced that they will not lift the 1983 ban on 'gay' blood. Gay men...or men who have sex with other men...still will not be able to donate blood. During a statement to the press, FDA spokeswoman Karen Riley was careful to show apathy to the homosexual community by saying "We acknowledge that not everyone in a high risk group is indeed at risk." While this makes absolutely no sense, there was a larger shock to the straight and gay communities alike.

Shortly after the FDA announcement the caped crusaders, also known as Batman and Robin, have informed the public that their relationship is anything but just 'business.' Homosexual correspondent Xavier Cockinhaler speculates that this announcement "is a result of recently released photographs that clearly show both of the men engaging in oral affection."

Though the FDA and Batman announcements are unrelated, journalists reporting on the FDA story found it necessary to post one of the photographs in their article.

Batman and Robin fans have started showing their support to their beloved Crusaders. Though all seems well, investigators are now looking into the possibility of a statutory rape charge in response to another photograph (seen below) that shows Batman engaging in another instance of 'oral affection' with a much younger boy wonder.

Visit this link to read the original article.

DS

Born on a Pirate Ship (Grab a hold of your tongue for desirable effect)

2007-05-26T23:05:00.000-06:00

Dear All of Those Even Remotely Responsible for Pirates of the Caribbean 3:

Thank you. You have effectively wasted two and a half hours of my life. Yes, your first film was okay and I enjoyed it for the most part (except for the horrible acting). However, I will say that your marketing strategies were absolutely brilliant. You discovered after the second installment of the Pirates trilogy that you could make a movie with no plot and still make billions of dollars in ticket sales. It is obvious that your next step would be to make a movie with NINE BILLION PLOTS and make even more money! That, illustrious sirs, is absolutely brilliant. And I bet you took into account that everyone would be too distracted by Orlando Bloom's disgusting acting and Johnny Depp's gorgeous eyes to actually notice that the story was going nowhere! This leads me to my second point...

Your ability to appeal to a variety of demographics is absolutely astounding...Allow me to explain.

1) Gorgeous Men - Teenage females
2) 1 Gorgeous Woman - Teenage males
3) Keith Richards - Middle-aged-and-up women
4) Musical theater theme at the beginning (They all sing and die...Just like Rent!) - The gays
5) Ugly ass pirates and 1 Jamaican woman - The Vegans

My professional opinion is this: Do not see this movie. However, if you absolutely must please take the following precautions:

-DO NOT TAKE A DATE! She'll hate you. End of story

-Do not be alarmed at applause when the film starts. Either they have not seen the movie yet or they are all high schoolers...Both of these indicate a high level of ignorance.

-When Orlando Bloom opens his mouth, assume that he is about to speak. Promptly cover your ears or hum the theme from Gladiator...It may even sync up with the film score for Pirates 3.

-Sharpen a plastic spoon. When the pain caused by watching this movie becomes too intense, shove it firmly into your eye socket. It will distract you for a time.

I think that I have made my point. I wish desperately to kick you in the testes, but that is obviously impossible so just take this advice: Stop making films and work for PETA. They can use your 'talent' to wage war on the meat eaters.

DS

Conspiracy whackjobs: Weep

2007-04-30T14:13:00.000-06:00

The lunatics that believe 9/11 was a government conspiracy--often citing that jet fuel could not burn hot enough to melt the Twin Towers' metal frame--now have more contradicting evidence to ignore.

Sunday's San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge collapse is more proof that some people need to leave their darkened basements and frolic in the warm, spring sun for once in their pitiful lives.

According to the Associated Press, "Heat exceeded 2,750 degrees and caused the steel beams holding up the interchange from eastbound I-80 to eastbound Interstate 580 above to buckle and bolts holding the structure together to melt, leading to the collapse, California Department of Transportation director Will Kempton said."

Will this evidence be enough silence wacko conspiracy theorists? No, but a shovel to the face might.

DTR

A blast from the past

2007-04-27T12:43:00.000-06:00

One of my first ever conjectures. It still applies:

The Matrix: Repulsion

A public service announcement:

The first Matrix sucked. Plain and simple. The second Matrix sucked on a level only obtained by one other movie: Dude, Where's My Car? Having said this, one would think I'd never step foot in the third movie. But alas, even I fall victim to advertising. "But the movie trailers looked so good and destructive!" I told myself. And to be honest, the movie had it's semi-not-so-boring-that-I-could-actually-watch-without-wanting-to-inflict-pain-on-myself-or-others moments. But you see, movies cannot depend on special FX alone. (Do the words Attack of the Clones ring a bell?)

Thus, as a service to all of humanity, I think the following message should be put on all Matrix posters:

"Warning: This movie has not been approved by Daniel T. Richards and, thus, watching it will bring you immense pain and suffering. Daniel knows what's best for you. This movie may cause severe bleeding of the rectum as it is akin to being sodomized by an elephant using a sandpaper condom. If you are seeing this movie with your children, don't. Parents have been known to devour their young after witnessing this monstrosity as if to say, "YOU FILTHY BASTARD CHILD! YOU DRAGGED ME TO THIS! I SHALL EAT YOUR SOUL..." Finally, after watching this movie, you may have an urge rip your eyes out with your ticket stub and proceed to pour salt in the newly formed orifices to relieve the pain of having seen the visual equivalent of a chainsaw to the testicles."

As the second part of this public service announcement, I would like to offer alternative activities you and your family can "enjoy" and receive the same sensations as if you saw the Matrix: Revolution.

1. Take turns shocking each other with a tazer. Make sure it's on high and is only used on your bare skin...while you're standing in water...and piranhas are eating you feet...

2. Pour bleach into your eyes. After the burning subsides, have everyone else kick you in the head until you lose consciousness.

3. Play a game of duck, duck, goose...while eating glass.

Please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please please do not see this movie if you value life and/or sanity.

In fact, stand outside the theatre and charge people $7.00 (or more) to have their head put in a blender. Tell them they've just experienced the Matrix: Revolution.

Shiver me timbers!

2007-04-25T13:46:00.000-06:00

Pirates have, perhaps, the best job in the universe. They get to sail the seven seas drinking rum 23.5 hours a day while pillaging helpless villages, raping the women and feeding on the illegitimate children. When they're not torching entire cities, they gamble, replace their insufficient legs with wooden pegs (or "sea legs"), wear eye patches, capture birds to put on their shoulders for comedic effect and dance a mean jig. If that's not enough to send you running to your nearest pirate employment agency (not Napster, jerk), then I am obligated to tell you that if you sign up now and mention this post, you will receive a free cutlass to skewer your enemies. [Only whiles supplies last. Void where prohibited. May be illegal in all states.]

If pirate is the coolest profession ever, why are there so few pirate attacks in the first quarter according to MSNBseadog--your leading source for pirate news?

Fark hinted at ninjas, but I'm no so sure. I'm much more inclined to blame hippies, liberals, gays, feminists or other limp-wristed, linguine-spined democrats for promoting a metrosexual agenda. But alas, avid readers, I cannot blame the standard group this time. No, no. The group to blame for a decline in pirate attacks is:

Pirates.

I mean, c'mon! When was the last time you saw an advertisement for a career in piracy? I'm not talking music or software piracy--a mockery of the term--but instead hardcore, aggressive, manly piracy? Pirates need a new public relations firm. They need a bigger image overhaul than Rosie O'Donnell.

It's a sad day for manly behavior, folks. But together, we can get through this shortage. Pirates just need the love in your hearrrrrrt, matey.

DTR

Alec Baldwin: Now we know he's a horrible parent as well...

2007-04-19T23:38:00.000-06:00

He's so bad that he can't even ACT like a good father.

That's right, folks. America's favorite celebrity activist apparently thinks his daughter is a "thoughtless little pig." Baldwin, who went into a tirade on his daughter's voice mail, also called the girl's mother--his ex, Kim Basinger--"a thoughtless pain in the ass."

Baldwin, who is thoughtful and still a pain in the ass, lost visitation rights temporarily. Basinger's spokesperson released the following statement: "The voicemail speaks for itself," according to TMZ.com.

Baldwin's publicist replied, "In the best interest of the child, Alec will do what the mother is pathologically incapable of doing ... keeping his mouth shut and obeying the court order."

Fight! Fight! Fight!

I propose the following: an all-out, brawl to the death between Baldwin and Basinger for full custody and bragging rights. Much like knights (and history in general), the person who is "right" will be determined by the person who is left. I propose:

And who's the real winner here, folks? Us. Either way, we get rid of a washed up, no talent celebrity (redundant). That's a step in the right direction.

DTR

No post today

2007-04-18T23:59:00.000-06:00

Instead, perhaps you should write something.

DTR

Saving more than your life...

2007-04-17T22:46:00.000-06:00

A public service announcement from SPC:

Like a lot of people, I'm really creeped out by the Lunesta butterfly.

It's scary enough that the butterfly comes into your house at night through an open window, maliciously placing itself in front of your face, flapping its wings until the suction makes breathing impossible and you fall--more like plunge--into the deepest sleep you'll ever (not) experience.

Recently, I found out I have at least a little bit of a basis on which to place my irrational fear. According to an article by Ronald A. Gagliardi for Insects.org, "The Celts believed that seeing a butterfly flying at night meant death."

The Lunesta butterfly--which so happens to be green!--flies at night and people suddenly sleep. Suddenly is the key word here. They don't drift off into slumber. They instantly stop moving.

If that wasn't enough reason to put in the storm windows, that same article goes on to say, "The street term for homosexual in Mexico is 'Mariposa,' meaning butterfly in Spanish."

No wonder the butterfly puts you to sleep. It's trying to get in your pants.

WARNING: Do not take Lunesta. The Lunesta butterfly is gay, and just like any gay person, it will immediately try to take advantage of you while you're sleeping.

Fair warning, folks. If you're having a hard time sleeping, don't take pills. Fix it the old fashioned way: watch C-SPAN.

DTR

When good kingergarteners go bad

2007-04-16T21:09:00.000-06:00

Avon Park police arrested a 6-year-old on March 28 for having a temper tantrum, or, as the police described it, "disruption of school function [misdemeanor], battery on school employee [felony], resiting [arrest] without Violence [misdemeanor]" according to the police report found at Slate.com.

Thousands of children demonstrated at the local Toys R Us in protest of the arrest.

"We're tired of being disclinnimated against," Ralphie "Poopy Pants" Jackson, kindergartener and leader of the "Police R Not the Mamma" movement, said. "Evewy kid has the wight not to frow a tantwum if they wanna. Sewiously, we're kids."

The protest turned violent and stinky when the activists ran out of disposable diapers. SWAT teams had to be called in each armed with 30mm rattles, ba-bas and nubies.

"It was scary out there," Chief Smith said. "I haven't seen that many whiny children needing a change since the 2004 Democratic Convention."

Luckily, no one was injured except Mr. Tickles, a teddy bear belonging to Nancy Pelosi who was there, in diaper and bonnet, attempting to broker peace between the children and police.

DTR

JK Rowling has a dirty, dirty mind...

2007-04-15T13:10:00.000-06:00

From www.bash.org, by JonJonB

Purely in the interests of science, I have replaced the word "wand" with "wang" in the first Harry Potter Book, Let's see the results...

-"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry.
"Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me wang in half an' everything

-A magic wang... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

-"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first wang. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice wang for charm work."
"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany wang. Eleven inches. "

-Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls

-"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's wang, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

-The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's wang had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

-He bent down and pulled his wang out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

-He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his wang, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his wang at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

-"Yes," Harry said, gripping his wang very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

-Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his wang

-Then, with a sigh, he raised his wang and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

-'Get off me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised wang.

AK

There's something about Imus

2007-04-14T17:44:00.000-06:00

Some of the best commentary I've heard about the situation:

DTR

Imus(t) (have) missed the memo

2007-04-13T14:44:00.000-06:00

A copy of the missed memo:

----------------

MEMORANDUM

TO: white males

FROM: Office of Who is Offended by What and at What Time

DATE: March...April...whenever it's convenient (for us)

SUBJECT: Update to the "Who Can Say What?" handbook

Please note the following change to page 332,958 of the "White males" section, sub-section Omega, paragraph 4:

Effectively immediately, white males will no longer be able to use humor in any context to make any observation, true or false, about women, minorities, homosexuals, mentally challenged, or otherwise oppressed peoples. If your kind so chooses, jokes about white men, republicans, white republicans (I know that's redundant), christians, jews, and the president will still be allowed and, in fact, encouraged--since none of those groups constitute "humanity"...and they like to be made fun of...and they deserve it because they eat children.

The penalty for violating this clause is quite simple: you will be lynched (only metaphorically unless we can get away with it otherwise). We don't care how many times you apologize, how much money you've raised for charities in your lifetime, or how bad you feel. If you offend even one of God/science's chosen people, you deserve nothing less than (metaphorical) death. In fact, this infraction is now the only offense punishable by (metaphorical) torture before your (metaphorical) death by (metaphorically) lynching you in public.

Additionally, please note the following change to the only page in the "everyone else" section:

"Nappy-headed hos" will make great rap lyrics.

---------------

DTR

My concession speech

2007-04-12T00:24:00.000-06:00

4/12/07 – 1:23 a.m. (posted on Facebook)

Adoring fans and equally adoring, though bitter, enemies:

It is with a heavy heart that I concede this election. I did not garner the necessary votes, and I will not call for a recount. Indeed, the election was not in my favor; the winds for change were mighty but blew in a direction I wasn't able to follow.

Everyone should sincerely congratulate Mr. Zach Uttich, your duly elected senior graduation speaker, a man of integrity, a man, in fact, that I predicted would speak at graduation after meeting him my freshman year.

I shared your dream, your passion, your desire for a shorter ceremony. Our platform was strong, and it was the right message at the wrong time. Under different circumstances, in a world that understood our philosophy, we might have won. But alas, my brethren, it wasn’t meant to be. We are destined to suffer through a longer ceremony, tired and sweating but determined for the future.

The future. Younger generations take note what has happened in this election. Be vigilant. Be strong. Learn from our mistakes and take this campaign into the next generation. I have every confidence in your future.

Thank you for your support. Thank you for your friendship.

Rock on.

Daniel T. Richards

Reading between the lines

2007-04-11T13:17:00.000-06:00

This story comes directly from the Associated Press. It is written by Jessica Robertson. My conjecture appears in brackets []. I just wanted to get that out there before I started. I don't want to plagarize like the people who work for Katie Couric.

----------

STERN: NOT GOING TO FIGHT FOR CUSTODY

Apr 11 03:10 AM US/Eastern
By JESSICA ROBERTSON
Associated Press Writer

NASSAU, Bahamas (AP) - The custody dispute over Anna Nicole Smith's baby [and the millions of dollars she stands to inherit] enters its next round Friday when a judge plans to discuss who will raise the [filthy rich] infant after DNA tests showed Larry Birkhead is her biological father [and newest multi-millionaire].

Howard K. Stern, who has been caring for baby Dannielynn [and her fortune] since Smith's sudden death in February, said Tuesday he wouldn't fight for custody [of the money], but a lawyer for Smith's mother, Virgie Arthur, indicated she might [because she needs the money...and she kinda cares about the kid].

Stern said he loved the baby['s money] despite the DNA results and would support Birkhead [for a mere $500,000].

"I'm obviously very disappointed [that I won't be disgustingly rich], but my feelings for Dannielynn['s money] have not changed[. I still want it. Really, really bad]," he said, adding of Birkhead: "I'm going to do whatever I can to make sure he gets sole custody [so that he'll feel sorry for me and give me sweet stacks o' green]."

...

"I told you so!" Birkhead said Tuesday, announcing the DNA test results upon emerging from a closed court hearing. Birkhead added: "My baby's [money is] going to be coming home pretty soon. [I can't wait to spend it on more rich fauxlebrities that I can 'screw' out of millions of more dollars. Muahahahaha.]"

----------

That last part is what we in the journalism business call a "very loose interpretation."

DTR

Top one thing not to do with a school bus

2007-04-09T22:02:00.000-06:00

1. Use it to flee the scene of a crime.

What should you do with a school bus?

Sweet, sweet competition.

Yeah.

DTR

You just came out of the closet! What are you gonna do next?

2007-04-08T00:08:00.000-06:00

Go to Disney World. This week, Disney announced that it will allow gay couples to participate in their "Fairy Tale Wedding" program, a sudden departure from their old rules, which required couples to have a valid wedding license. This brings up few questions:

1) Since when does Disney have the power to legalize gay marriage? I'm not a lawyer, but it seems as though any and all marriages conducted without a marriage license would be invalid. Although, I suppose it makes sense in one way--most of our politicians are a bunch of untalented clowns anyway.

2) Who the hell do they think they are? After all, their attitude of "welcoming every guest in an inclusive environment" hasn't flown in America since...well...ever.

3) Why did it take so long? If there's one thing we know about Walt Disney, it's that he was a pillar of love and tolerance for people of all walks of life.

In any case, I have to wonder if any gay couples will take them up on the offer. Getting married to the one you love, with Micky and Minnie Mouse as guests, in front of Cinderella's Castle, with "A Whole New World" playing in the background? What gay couple would want that?

AK

Bush go boom!

2007-04-07T22:29:00.000-06:00

Well, almost. When he's not choking on Rold Golds and falling off of Schwinns, President Bush likes to spend his time blowing things up. Well, according to The Detroit News, his recent target for "liberation" was himself. Read the story. It's well worth your 45 seconds.

----------

Also, kudos to Fark.com, one of my new favorite news gathering sites, for finding this story.

DTR

The case against Powerpoint

2007-04-04T14:13:00.000-06:00

Post 2 of 2: via Fark.com

Tired of giving Powerpoints in class? Sick of having to look at exactly what the speaker is saying on top of a template with far too many colors, obnoxious fonts and annoying animation? If you're as sick of Powerpoints as I am, send your professor this link.

"Researchers at the University of New South Wales in Australia found the brain is limited in the amount of information it can absorb - and presenting the same information in visual and verbal form - like reading from a typical Powerpoint slide - overloads this part of memory and makes absorbing information more difficult," The Register reports.

This news also gives us leverage for our "Anti-White Board" campaign, and strengthens our efforts to outlaw overhead projectors. Won't it be a glorious day, fellow students, when teachers abandon their feeble, hurtful attempts at "proper" education and instead simply read their lectures to us!? Those will be the days, comrades. The days of the glorious revolution.

DTR

Certifiably insane

2007-04-04T13:17:00.000-06:00

(Two posts for the price of one today since I missed yesterday. You come out even. Don't get too excited.)

Post 1 of 2: Story via Fark.com

Never visit Bellevue, WA. Apparently, whatever is in the water/air in that town makes people behave in an unacceptable manner with their pets. We're not talking bestiality. We're talking something much worse. Yoga.

According to the Associated Press (AP), the Seattle/King County Humane Society now offers 40 minute classes of "doggie yoga," a way for dogs and their owners to exercise their body as well as their emotions.

The class works just like a typical yoga class--not well--with slow physical movements and positions to induce relaxation. Owners are encouraged to touch their animals. "Leilani just loves being touched," one owner said according to the AP. "I could just feel her relax."

Doggie yoga or Yoggie, as I like to call it, was created when Brenda Bryan, the trainer, met Emily Keegans while doing a dog massage fundraiser for the Humane Society. They decided to combine their knowledge to create the class.

"It was really just a marriage of all the things I love," Bryan said according to the AP.

A what? Didn't I tell you this was worse than bestiality! Can't you see where this is going? First massages, then yoga...what next? MARRIAGE. The rhetoric is embedded in the language: "loves being touched," "feel her," "marriage of...things I love," "it." This is the first push in the liberal agenda to promote animal/human marriages. And do you know who's to blame?

Gays.

That's right, folks. By even allowing the gay marriage debate, we've opened doors for unspeakable, kinky horrors. First gay marriage, then man/dog marriage then dog/dog marriage. Who knows where it will go? Pretty soon Adolescent Adam will be able to marry his favorite pastime: his right hand.

Don't think it won't happen. Look what happened when we gave women the right to vote...

Hillary Clinton.

DTR

Are you ready for it?

2007-04-02T22:54:00.000-06:00

This week's Decaturian contains a special, annual insert: The Depravaturian, our April Fools edition. To get you excited about the kinds of stories you'll find in our special "tabloid edition," I thought I'd share this gem from last year's paper:

Off-campus living fee raised: ‘Eleventy billion trillion zillion dollars’

Analysts expected Millikin University to raise the off-campus living fee a significant amount, but none suspected their latest raise would be an imaginary number.

“I’m completely shocked by the news,” Anita Holm, senior off-campus living major, told the Depravaturian. “I thought the number might be somewhere closer to real.”

University officials raised the fee, formally $3900, after some student revolted against the original increase.

“We raised the fee to $3900 so students wouldn’t pay it,” Number 23, Vice President of Cloak and Dagger Policies, said. “Imagine our shock when students still paid the fee. This new number will, literally, make it impossible for students to pay, forcing them to live on campus in overpriced, worn down living units. Muahahahahahahahaha!...You cut the laughing and the last part from the quote, right?”

Student reaction to the news is stifled by the latest bout of apathy plaguing the university. Roughly 99 percent of the student body contracted the illness this year, leaving a small minority that actually cares about anything other than Gilmore Girls.

“We’ve been hard pressed to get student reaction,” 23 said. “But we did receive one anonymous letter that said, ‘If you want student reaction to your ridiculous increases, you should Go To Helen Rott.’”

Officials are still searching for the elusive student.

DTR

A step in the wrong direction

2007-03-30T12:21:00.000-06:00

Tsk tsk. Now my friends are under attack, and that's simply unacceptable. This group was created today:

I guess I'm gonna have to step up my campaign for speaker. I hoped it wouldn't come to this. It has.

DTR

Hey! I'm Satan!(?)

2007-03-29T23:27:00.000-06:00

That's right, folks. It turns out I'm the Lord of the Underworld, Lucifer, Hades, Pluto, Beelzebub, the Devil incarnate, Rosie O'Donnell, the Tempter, Belial, the Wicked One.

My devilishness was pointed out by a Facebook group named, "If Dan Richards Speaks at Graduation.....I WILL NOT GO!!!" The group was created after my name was put on a ballot for graduation speaker. Students nominate likely speakers at the graduate fair and the top five are voted on by the seniors in an online election.

Little did I know that my name would cause such uproar. Little did I know that I was the Prince of Darkness! I found out when the group's creator posted a picture of me with red horns, an obvious sign of my unholy identity. Here's a screenshot I took when the group first appeared:

The purple arrow indicates the evidence that I'm the Bringer of Pain. The green arrows indicate the contradiction between the group category and the group description. No biggie.

This group would have been simply informative if it hadn't evolved. Yes, faithful readers, I must admit. Darwin was correct. After a short while, the group changed:

The group became confused as to what I looked like (purple arrow), and they added a clarification, just in case people weren't sure what the group name meant. But this was not the last evolution. The next puzzled me:

I was confused until I realized that this must be a picture of be before I fell from God's grace. I guess that's just before I was put on the graduation speaker ballot.

Although, the picture might have another, more interesting, meaning. What if the picture evolved because they weren't sure what I looked like? What if they weren't sure what I looked like because I'm not Satan at all? I think the next evolution will look something like this:

And seriously. Who wouldn't want the Son of God as their graduation speaker?

Communists.

DTR

Phallic symbols: An unfortunate reality

2007-03-28T20:07:00.000-06:00

Meet Dilly.

That is all.

DTR

McCain's "hacked" MySpace promotes lesbians, approval rating skyrockets

2007-03-27T17:54:00.000-06:00

Tuesday morning, visitors to John McCain's MySpace page might have seen this:

After a brief spike in the presidential polls, it was discovered that the letter was a hoax by Mike D. of Newsvine.com. Mike was retaliating against McCain for stealing his MySpace template without giving credit and for stealing bandwidth (read the geeky details at Newsvine).

I was saddened to hear that McCain's "coming out" of sorts was a hoax. Perhaps promoting marriage between two "passionate females” is just what he needs to get his stock up—political stock, that is, and really speak to younger, male, chauvinist voters. You know, the real future of America.

DTR

Things that are bad for your health: Feminism

2007-03-26T23:51:00.000-06:00

Move over eggs. Swedish scientists have found something else that could be bad for your health (but probably won't be in five years): feminism. That's right, folks. Women's suffrage finally means what everyone thought it meant in fifth grade. And who would know better than the Swiss? They are "arguably one of the most egalitarian countries in the world" according to the Daily Mail, arguably one of the most opinionated papers about Sweden in the known universe.

I didn't actually "read" the article in question or examine the "facts" of the study, but I can conjecture as to what makes feminism the health equivalent of a chocolate-covered deep fried bucket of lard. The following is an actual, real-life excerpt that I made up from the study I almost read but didn't really have time to:

"Foremost, feminists don't bathe. It is a common known fact that all feminists are hippies. Given that hippies do nothing but smell bad, we can deduce they also do not bathe. Using a property of math we learned while we were suffraging through algebra, we can conclude that we hate hippies. And, like we said, feminists are unclean.

"This premise firmly established, we can furthermore conjecture that since these bra burners can't spell hygiene, let alone purchase it at Wal-Mart like the rest of us, they are infested with lice, crabs, liberalism and other pesky parasites.

"Additionally, having to carry protest signs like 'Break the glass ceiling,' 'No blood for oil above $60 a barrel' or 'We'll settle for Rule of Pinky' causes massive strain on women's fragile little arm muscles. Seriously, ladies. If you're lifting anything heavier than a casserole, ask a man to help.

"These conditions lead us to conclude that feminism--just like equal rights, gay pride and being pro-choice--is bad for your health. Probably. More likely than not. Let's just say you're safer, better off and healthier at home in the kitchen sharpening knives, cooking over a hot stove or hand washing your husband's concussion grenades in a sink full of cobras and scorpions. (Without gloves, of course. I think that goes without saying.)"

Yeah, it was probably something like that.

DTR

Diary of a choir trip to Miami Beach (cont'd)

2007-03-15T11:44:00.000-06:00

Day 2: The return of the bus
The open road is a little less exciting today. Some might call it boring but nay. I refuse to speak so. I have faith that the road will show us the light, the way, the exciting Americana for which I hunger. (Literally 14 seconds later) Well, we’re approaching the “Jefferson Davis Monument”—not quite the Americana I was expecting, but I’ll take anything at this point. America has a long history of idolizing—or at least remembering—traitors: Benedict Arnold, Jefferson Davis, Al Franken just to name a few.

Day 3: We’re here…
Three minutes after stepping off the bus, we spot two men holding hands. We’ve arrived in South Beach.

Day 4: My wallet doth protest too much
“How much?” I asked in complete shock. In an accent somewhere between laughable and lackadaisical, the hotel worker somehow confirmed his previous communication. The 12 ounce can of Sunkist was indeed $2.19. For a brief moment, I considered charging it to the room, essentially putting it on Jimmy Millikin’s tab. Reluctantly coming to my senses, I handed the man a five dollar bill. “What! You don’ have exac’ schange?” the worker said, to which I replied, “I have as much change as you have a green card.” He handed me the difference.

Also, if you’re going to dinner at an expensive South Beach restaurant, you will be harassed until you buy the Chilean sea bass. Do not purchase the Chilean sea bass. It tastes like cheap cod—i.e. pollock—from the neighborhood Long John Silver. Additionally, you know it’s going to be expensive when the menu reads, “Chilean Sea Bass with Caviar: $MP.” For those of you not versed in the expensive menu tongue, “MP” stands for “More than you’d ever expect to Pay for anything in your entire life, especially foreign bass.”

Day 5: Stupidity knows no bounds
After hearing the loud roar of an airplane engine overhead, our heads jolted toward the sky. “I bet it’s one of those flying advertisements,” one student ventured. Indeed, the plane was dragging a colorful banner with large block letters, “Aerial advertising for sale. Call Joe at…” But none of us saw the number, we were too busy hiding our heads, ashamed of the human race.

Day 5: Home sweet bus
It’s time to leave. I’m sad to leave the beautiful weather and fantastic restaurants, but I’m even sadder to come home to a Decaturian production weekend. I think I’ll quit. That’ll teach ‘em…

DTR

Holy bottled water, Batman!

2007-03-05T21:07:00.001-06:00

If one was asked to form a list of words describing bottled water, one might come up with "convenient," "refreshing," "over-priced"--perhaps even "yuppie juice." However, a Stockton businessman is out to add a new word to the list: holy.

That's right, this man is selling bottled holy water, and has sold some 3,000 bottles since January, both on the streets of London and on the Internet.

Every bottle of this, the holiest of all waters, is blessed by both Catholic and Anglican priests, yet remains blessedly cheap--only $0.99 per half-liter bottle, which is more than comparable to heathen brands such as Evian and Ice Mountain.

The downside, however, is detailed in the warning label on each bottle: "If you are a sinner or evil in nature, this product may cause burning, intense heat, sweating, skin irritation, rashes, itchiness, vomiting, bloodshot and watery eyes, pale skin color, and oral irritations." Swell-- in the hands of a sinner, this water is the equivalent of an average trip to Taco Bell.

Imagine the possiblities--one could smite the wicked with a righteous stream of Holy Urine. The future is bright for future Holy Water applications, including Holy Water Balloons, the Holy Steam Engine, Holy Wet T-shirt Contest, perhaps even Holy Bongwater.

A link, if you would like to order some Heavenly H2O. For now, I'm off to douse Bill O'Reiley and see if he melts. Goodnight.

AK

Legos: The building blocks of evil

2007-02-28T15:16:00.000-06:00

Hilltop Children’s Center--a school promoting "high quality, child-centered, early childhood education for three to 10 year-olds since 1971, according to their website--recently banned Legos after the teachers decided to educate their students about the evils of owning private property, according to TCS Daily.

The students--remember that we're talking about three to 10 year-olds here--were instilling "their assumptions about ownership and the social power it conveys" into their Legotown before it was accidentally demolished. The teachers believed that the children's behavior, "mirrored those of a class-based, capitalist society -- a society that we teachers believe to be unjust and oppressive," according to TCS Daily.

They didn't ban the Legos because they were a choking hazard or because getting them apart can cause physical pain. No. They banned them because they somehow represented a political ideology different from the own held by the teachers. I repeat: a school, where kids are supposedly sent to learn "stuff," banned a toy because it might teach them something. Not just "something," mind you, but a philosophy most people find correct.

It is not a school's job to raise children. And for the last time, "educate" and "raise" are not synonyms.

I'm too vivid to even satirize this situation. If you can, please post a comment. I need a drink...

DTR

WTF

2007-02-23T17:20:00.000-06:00

???

Please. Explain this to me.

DTR

WARNING: Old women are out to get you

2007-02-23T14:23:00.000-06:00

The biggest security threat to the world is not Osama Bin Obama Hussein Bin Clinton (or whatever CNN is calling him these days). No, friends, the people you should be looking out for are 87 year-old great grandmothers. Their sharp hairpins and vicious false teeth spell certain death for any that oppose their geriatric agenda.

Where are the moderate great grandmothers denouncing the vicious rhetoric of these knit-wing extremists?

Why do they hate us? Why?

DTR

He was expelled for your sins

2007-02-22T16:04:00.000-06:00

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Children and adults with the mentality of children dress in fun/scary costumes in an attempt to procure tasty treats from neighbors and friends all the while worshipping Satan and oppressing all nonbelievers. All hail the Prince of Darkness!

Well, that's what some people think the holiday is about.

In short, parents are suing a school district because the administrators would not allow their son to wear a Jesus costume "complete with paper-and-twig crown of thorns" according to Philly.com. He wasn't allowed to a "make a statement about his Christian beliefs and his opposition to the pagan aspects of Halloween, the suit says."

B.S.

I think this lawsuit is absurd. Of course the school should have sent the kid home! His costume was awful. Every good pagan knows that Halloween has three major categories for costumes and Jesus doesn't fit in any of them. Jesus is not scary. Jesus is not funny. And Jesus certainly isn't sexy.

If you're going to allow your kid to dress up to make a political point, don't put him in sissy costume like Jesus. He'll only get made fun of. Instead, put him in something really scary like a Gay Pride suit or Abortion Doctor garb. And if you want to "scare" your political point across, nothing says frightening witch like a Hillary Clinton costume. I cringe just thinking about it.

Nothing is scarier than socialism.

DTR

The state of Chicago

2007-02-21T14:33:00.000-06:00

My friend Amber asks:

"How is this efficient?"

My goodness, Amber. Didn't you realize that no one lives in central Illinois (except a bunch of toothless, incestuous hicks)? They don't need emissions tests. Their cars run on corn n' beans. That is, if they're not being pulled by a horse.

DTR

Because you love these...

2007-02-20T22:02:00.000-06:00

"I'll have a side of Rosa Parks, please...and this time put it in front of the green beans."

----------

Photo credit to Stephan, again.

DTR

20% off intelligence (only slightly used)

2007-02-19T19:07:00.001-06:00

The Millikin Bookstore is going nuts with announcements about its "Mardi Gras Shindig." Their incessant announcements rave, "FREE Beads! FREE Cookies & Punch!! 20% OFF EVERYTHING [here it comes] (except books)."

No, in fact the books are marked up an extra 300% to make up for the free beads (that's brings the markup to a grand total of 1300%). If I were you, I'd grab some free cookies, a handful of beads and bail. That'll teach 'em to spam the announcements folder.

DTR

Hallmark: So deep you might drown

2007-02-19T02:04:00.000-06:00

Nothing says "sorry about your cancer" like an overpriced piece of cardboard with a rhyme scheme. Or so thinks Hallmark. Their new 176-card "Journey" collection will address difficult issues like coming out of the closet, depression and cancer.

One cancer card reads, "Cancer is a villain who doesn't play fair ... but it can't dim your spirit, and it can't silence prayer." Imagine having a frightening disease like cancer and getting that card from a friend or family member. The card basically says, "Here, I don't know what to say, but if I did, it would be a cheesy rhyme. Get well soon."

Getting this card would not lift my spirits; it wouldn't put me in a good mood; and it certainly wouldn't help me cope with the fact that I have cancer. In fact, it would probably aid me in losing my last will to live.

Congratulations, Hallmark. You have a new series of cards that will depress people beyond hope. Why not have all your new cards say, "Your life sucks...kill yourself" instead? It's much more effective, to the point and, in fact, might be humorous to some.

But, in the spirit of Some Pithy Conjecture, we can't possible leave this topic without hypothesizing what some of these horrible cards might say (an ellipsis signifies opening the card):

For coming out: "You are so brave. Never be ashamed of who you are...Will you redecorate my bathroom?"

For depression: "There's no reason to be sad...A Prozac cocktail will make you rad!"

For giving someone herpes: "I had no STDs that I was aware of...Can we consider those blisters a sign of our new love?"

For forgetting Steak & BJ Day: "I forgot the beef and the 'love' to boot...but it makes up for you forgetting our 30th anniversary. Jerk. I want a divorce."

For giving someone a new "Journey" card: "These cards really suck and I'm sorry you got one...[$50 dollar bill]."

----------

What would your horrible "Journey" card say? Leave a comment.

DTR

~News

2007-02-10T14:10:00.000-06:00

Democrat Senator Barack Hussein Obama is running for president.

As the little "~" in the headline denotes, this is the opposite of news; it's un-news, if you will; it's "like" news but without all those annoying things that make it interesting. News should be something unknown, exciting or at least in remembrance of an important event.

Obama made an announcement that he was going to make an announcement before he made his announcement. That's at least one announcement too many. His announcement is no longer new. It's repetitive.

The event wasn't exciting. It was cold. But it wasn't exciting. Barack stood in front of the old Illinois Capital building and announced what everyone knew since he was elected senator two years ago. Everyone knew he was going to run. For goodness sake, the Amish knew he was going to run. Deaf, blind, mentally challenged, mutes knew he was going to run. Heck, even Michael Moore knew it. BORING.

I suppose Obama's announcement may be in remembrance of an important event: the day that American media stopped caring about what was actual news and started caring more for their own political interests. I'm not saying that today was that day, but it certainly pays homage.

DTR

More proof...

2007-02-09T20:57:00.000-06:00

...that Russel Crowe is gay.

After Gladiator, was there really much of a doubt?

DTR

Need I say more?

2007-02-05T15:28:00.000-06:00

(They also had expensive stuff for free.)

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Thanks again to Stephan for the photo.

DTR

Use a dictionary. It's not hard.

2007-02-02T00:18:00.000-06:00

Vegan: "a strict vegetarian who consumes no animal food or dairy products; also: one who abstains from using animal products (as leather)"

This is a picture of the menu from our cafeteria:

Parmesan: "a very hard dry sharply flavored cheese that is sold grated or in wedges"

Cheese: "a food consisting of the coagulated, compressed, and usually ripened curd of milk separated from the whey"

Milk: "fluid secreted by the mammary glands of females for the nourishment of their young; especially : cow's milk used as a food by humans"

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Thanks to Stephan for pointing this out and sending in the picture.

DTR

Harry Potter and the half-naked play

2007-01-30T17:15:00.000-06:00

Daniel Radcliffe, or as most people know him "Harry Potter," is taking a break from the children's movies to do something a bit different.

Radcliffe will play stablehand Alan Strang in Peter Shaffer's controversial play Equus. Part of the play, in which Radcliffe will participate, is a lengthy sex scene. In the nude.

But from the news accounts, it doesn't seem that Radcliffe is shy about exposing his magic wand.

"Daniel does not want to step away from Harry Potter but he does want to show he is an rounded actor capable of very different and diverse roles," Vanessa Davies, Radcliffe's spokesperson, said according to This Is London. "He has tremendous support from Harry Potter fans."

I can see him getting the support of his older fans, but once pictures from the production start floating around the Internet, his younger fans might be in for one hell of a shock.

If I were Radcliffe, I would use my magic powers to turn George Clooney into a plunger. And THEN I would turn down the role in Equus, content with the multi-millions of dollars I get from making the Harry Potter movies. I would then retire and live a happy life on my own private island and continue not doing nude scenes until I died at which point I would use my super witch powers to bring myself back to life thus making people think I was some sort of deity. That would be pretty sweet.

::Sigh:: The day dreams of a muggle.

DTR

Vista will "wow" us for sure

2007-01-29T14:36:00.000-06:00

In an interview with the Associated Press (AP), Bill Gates assured the reporter that consumers will say "wow" when they experience the new Windows Vista operating system according to ABC News.

I hope Gates isn't referring to how users where wowed by past Microsoft products--i.e. "Wow, it crashed again" or "Wow, I should have bought a Mac."

As of Jan. 30, consumers can get their copy of Vista (wow) at any major software retailer, and people buying new PCs after that date will get a copy whether they want it or not. New Vista software will cost about $200 (wow) and an upgrade will be about $100 (eh).

If I were you, I would wait a few months to purchase your copy. Wait for the kinks to be worked out before you jump into the future of operating systems. Otherwise you might find yourself with "wow" software and the amazing new "wow" virus.

...

"Wow, I never expected to use the CTRL, ALT and DELETE keys so much."

DTR

There are no words...

2007-01-29T14:23:00.000-06:00

...to describe this. Enjoy.

DTR

New meaning for "Let's make sweet music together..."

2007-01-26T16:37:00.000-06:00

Musical condoms. No, I'm not making it up. Grigoriy Chausovsky, from Zaporozhye, Ukraine, has invented a condom that will play music as you fornicate according to Ananova.

"As the sex becomes more passionate, it registers the increased speed of the movements and plays the melody faster and louder," Chausovsky said according to Ananova.

Each condom has a tiny sensor and speaker that work together to create a soundtrack for your love life. (There is rumor that Apple is interested in creating a similar condom that attaches to your iPod. It's known only by its working title "iScrew.")

Ok, I have to ask. What exactly does this condom play? Classical? Rap? Jazz? Or can you buy specific songs for the condom? The article doesn't give an answer, but I'd like to speculate on a few possible song choices. Without further ado, I present:

Top Ten Musical Condom Songs (2007)
10. "Music of the Night" by Andrew Lloyd Webber
9. "Good Vibrations" by the Beach Boys
8. "(I Can't Get No) Satisfaction" by the Rolling Stones
7. "Takin' Care of Business" by by Bachman Turner Overdrive
6. "Love Me Two Times" by The Doors
5. "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" by Elton John
4. "Theme from Shaft" by Isaac Hayes
3. "Rocket Man" by Elton John
2. "Pop Goes the Weasel"

And of course...

1. "Come Together" by the Beatles

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I've had my say, now I want to hear from you. What would your musical condom play? Leave a comment.

DTR

You might be a racist if...

2007-01-25T14:27:00.000-06:00

...you hold a Martin Luther King Jr. Day party and invite your friends to dress up like black stereotypes.

"Who in their right mind would do that," you ask? "Who is dumb enough to think that a party of such nature would go unnoticed in a society as hyper-sensitive to race issues as America?"

Oh, you know, college students.

"Students at a Texas college threw a Martin Luther King Jr. Day party that featured attendees wearing gang apparel and Afro wigs, carrying malt liquor, handguns, and fried chicken, and even one woman dressed as Aunt Jemima," reports The Smoking Gun.

Jeremy Pelz, the party organizer, attempted to justify the party theme when confronted by another student via Facebook. He started the party, and I'm quoting The Smoking Gun, "because one of best friends is black or African American, whichever you deem politically correct, to be his day not to dishonor him."

He went on to add, "No, I is not related to President Busch. Why you ask?"
The moral of this story is not that dressing up like Aunt Jemima, syrup bottles in hand, is racist. No, no, no. That's the moral of every freshman seminar.

Indeed, the moral is: watch out what you post on Facebook; ever vigilant eyes are watching for even the most minute chance to use the "R" word, to label you with a new scarlet letter--a mark not easily removed--to prove that, indeed, everyone is a little bit racist.

DTR

PETA: People for the Euthanization of "Tortured" Animals - Count me in

2007-01-24T16:56:00.000-06:00

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA), a group known for its uncompromising belief that animals should not be used in any way by humans, has compromised its belief and admitted to killing animals.

"Euthanasia is a better alternative to sitting in a stinking pound," Kathy Guillermo, a PETA spokesperson, said, according to NewsObserver.com. Guillermo made her comments after two PETA members were charged with tossing bags full of dead cats and dogs into a dumpster behind a Piggly Wiggly in Raleigh, VA.

I have to ask: Is anyone really surprised by this? Can it come as a shock that people who believe owning pets is equivalent to slavery would do something this crazy? Is is hard to to believe that people this crazy--we're talking Al Gore after the 2000 election crazy--would think that by killing animals they are being more ethical than by keeping them alive?

I expect nothing less from an organization whose president, Ingrid Newkirk, once said, "There’s no rational basis for saying that a human being has special rights. A rat is a pig is a dog is a boy. They’re all animals," according the Washingtonian magazine...

...and also said, "Six million people died in concentration camps, but six billion broiler chickens will die this year in slaughterhouses," according to the Washington Post.

Right hand: The Holocaust.
Left hand: KFC.

PETA members are animals, according to Newkirk, and they are certainly living a tortured existence. Would it sound too crazy to suggest euthanasia? It's a better alternative than letting them live their lives as kooks.

DTR